Ramble Tamble: The Best and Worst things to do when being chased by…

The Creeper

Hi, I'm the black guy's Freddy Kruger

Worst:

·         If you're a guy, take a piss in a cornfield, or generally expose your schlong.

The results are horrendous

·         Leave your family unattended in the middle of nowhere at night.

Best:

·         Go on holiday to South America for two weeks.

·         Be ugly and have unattractive bodily features.

Jason

Good Evening, may I interest you in a spear up the bottom?

Worst:

• Attend an orgy at college
• Take off your clothes and do the “running man” seductively in the forest.
•  Make a wise cracking joke about Jason to your partner, eg. “Jason is so ugly when he goes to the bathroom, the toilet keeps trying to flush him down.” Blerrk, someone just stuck a knife in my head.

Best:

•  Become a priest in the Order of Coitus Prohibidado
•   Live in Minas Tirith and keep running up and down levels without stopping all your life.

Michael Myers

Terrifying

Worst

•      The list for Jason above applies here too.

I did it first though, Bitches

Best:

•  Always check behind you and scream loudly at everything that moves.
• If you see Jamie Lee Curtis, piss off in the other direction or move to another city.

Freddy Krueger

My left side is my best side

Worst

•     Mix alcohol and antidepressants and read the business times
•        Watch episodes of Two and a Half Men in an attempt to not fall asleep.
•       Be Johnny Depp

You figured it out! Let me give you a hug!

Best:

•  Learn Dream Kung Fu and Nightmare Judo
•   Take turns alternatively sleeping with friends while watching over each other. (Make sure they are part of the  unattractive and unpopular crowd)

Zombies

There's a sale in that shop!

Worst:

• Be a loud obnoxious shithead.
•  Be big boned and slow moving.
•  Smell like week old pork.
• Open doors when they are closed.

Best:

•           Make best friends with a survivalist, even though you are an irritating cockbag.

The guy on the left is a tit. The guy on the right is Woody Harrelson

• Be Bill Murray, you go out in style.
• Hole up in a shopping mall, barricade all doors with the force of a million Austrian soldiers, and never ever leave.

Deadites

Let me out, its creepy down here.

Worst

•      Drive to a cabin in the woods and take a shithead who does things even though express instructions are given that things shouldn’t be done.
•       Kill the deadites and then check them for a pulse.

Best

The greatest motherfucker who ever motherfucked

•          Be Bruce Campbell.
•      Kill everyone but yourself by decapitation immediately and burn the remains.
•       Don’t read/play/ recite shit that shouldn’t be read/played/recited, its simple.

Cenobites

We come in pieces

Worst

•          Be Hugh Hefner with too much time on his hands (as if)
•       Have a fondness for sudoku

Best

•  Remove your genitalia. And then dance around just because.
• Never have seen a rubiks cube in your life. Or alternatively, have your arms removed.

Unspeakably Evil

A Predator

Come at me bro

Worst

• Be a leader/important person/skilled fighter in your city/jungle.
• Go all crazy in the jungle. “I’m gonna have me some fun, I’m gonna have me some fun. I’m gonna have me some fun”. NB, it’s not going to work out well for you.

 

Bill Duke didn't have a chance

Best

•   Cover yourself in mud from head to toe, every day of your life
•   Be a Frisbee master, and steal one of the predators cutting discs. That shit is lethal.
•   “Get to da choppah!”

Hannibal Lecter

Worst

•   Be tasty.
• House ravenous flesh eating pigs that obey his command and will turn on you at the split second.

Best

• Avoid classy places and law enforcement jobs, and live your life complete.

      RB