Movie Villains Who Have No Clue On How To Do Their Job

How hard can it be to be a movie villain? Rampage, kill to your hearts (or lack thereof) content and have a film made about you. Life is good. But there are certain avatars of massacre that we celebrate even though they have no clue. Certain monsters of mayhem that, if not for lady luck smiling upon them, couldn’t steal magnets if their hands were made of metal. Here are some that need to take some time off and contemplate their motivations.

1) Candyman- Candyman (1992)

I don't know what to do with my hands

A young student, Helen, sets out to disprove the legend of Candyman.  Candyman can be summoned by saying his name five times while facing a mirror, whereupon he will murder the summoner with wipes of his hook-hand.

Candyman appears to Helen one day claiming that since Helen has been telling people he is just a legend, he must now prove he exists. Now why the Candyman is terrible at his job is because, even though he wants to keep his memory alive and remain a terrifying urban legend in the mind of the community, he keeps framing Helen for the hook-murders he commits, and then he runs away and hides. In one ridiculous scene, he floats downwards from the ceiling, and then hides  under a bed  just before hospital orderlies enter a room, while Helen shouts for them to look under the bed for Candyman. Hilarious, how he must just have been lying there the whole time chuckling softly to himself.

He doesn’t even live up to his legend, the first time Helen does the “five times” Candyman chant, he doesn’t even bother to show up. Perhaps he was on holiday, or playing Candy Crush or something. The real kicker though is that he eventually reveals that he wants Helen to join him as a murderous Candy-Woman. Yes, Candyman was ruined by the Jungle Fever, the same thing that resulted in his murder by angry white folk so many years ago. One would think that he would be terrified of white women, seeing as the first one resulted in a bunch of bees to the face and impromptu hook hand surgery. He at least then gets some good marks for persistence.

2) Alien Invaders- Signs (2002)

Get out, I'm naked.

Have you ever made a mistake that was so huge, that it possibly jeopardized the existence of your entire species? No? Congratulations! You’re not an Alien from Signs.

In the film, Aliens invade Earth for some reason, not really killing anyone, but popping up in corn fields, at birthday parties, making Joaquin Phoenix wear a silly hat, and being general creeps. Unfortunately, and although being able to master interplanetary travel, the Aliens go completely into Wicked Witch of the West Mode when water is thrown at them.

Now seeing as the earth is 70% water, one would think that these intelligent beings would have done some kind of feasibility study before their invasion. For example, a small scientific inspection of the mass of liquid covering most of the planet. And a few melted alien scientists later, the alien generals would have probably called the invasion off. Alien Papers headlines would read “A Nations Hopes Melt Away” and “Don’t Mess with Earth, or You’ll Wet Yourself”.

Or perhaps the entire alien race had left their home plant because it was destroyed or dying and Earth was their last hope. In any event, they’re doomed. Because even if they still have a home to return to, Earth knows about them now. Earth does not forgive. Earth does not forget. In 2020, we invade them … in Signs 2: Sign Harder. What a twist!

3) Nazgûl –  The Lord of the Rings Trilogy

The Greater Good

The Nazgûl had one job. “Find the Ringbearer, kill him, and take the ring. In this job they successfully completed a performance bonus-worthy zero out of three.

The most obvious case of the Nazgûl dropping the ball was the scene where Nazgûl Jeff (the most junior of the Nazgûl) couldn’t detect three smelly hobbits and one ringbearer hiding just below him in an extremely convenient undergrowth/ditch. Aren’t these Nazgûl supposed to be drawn to the ring’s power? Now I don’t know about you, but I can sense a cheeseburger from a pretty far distance away. Is the rings aura not as powerful as cheeseburger sense?

Although they have trouble being devious and evil during the day, they should have been in their element once they realized one night that the hobbits were at Weathertop. They could have formulated some plan worthy of a SWAT operation, only with swords, cloaks and machinations, instead of semi-automatics and testosterone.  No, the only plan they could come up with was “Ok guys, lets form a semi-circle and approach them  really slowly so that Aragorn, son of Arathorn, can show up and throw fire in our faces. Then we can all run away and tell Daddy Sauron that we tried”.

Also their Witch King leader, whom even Gandalf was terrified of, was killed by silly wordplay. It was said that no “man” could kill the Witch King. What luck then, that Eowyn of Rohan who encountered him at the battle of Gondor was the owner of a proud and lively vagina.

Inspector Clouseau would have found the ring by accident before any of the Nazgûl.

4) The Joker- The Dark Knight (2008)

I got captured to tell you that I'm going to escape.

I get that the Joker is insane.  But he is also good strategist. That’s why some of his actions make no sense if he really wanted to, as he put it to Two-Face/burnt Harvey Dent, “introduce a little anarchy to the world”. And he cant use the excuse of chaos for chaos sake because at the end he reveals he had a masterplan  the whole time. 

Therefore, a few of the Jokers failures were:

Burning a huge stockpile of stolen money.  How does the joker fund his extravagant operations? With catchy oneliners?

Not killing Batman, Harvey Dent, or the Mayor and being fooled into thinking he killed Commissioner Gordon.

Dressing up hostages as his henchmen, thinking SWAT would kill them. (Didn’t work.)

His masterplan was that he wanted to show that people, if they were given the choice, would give in to chaos and commit murder. He has two groups of people on two  boats, one with normal Gothamites, and the other with criminals, telling them their boats were rigged with explosives, and both would explode if one boat didn’t detonate the others boat before midnight.  Long story short, both boats didn’t blow up. Good job, Joker.

His excuse to Batman after he fails miserably at his own game of Battleship is that his real goal was to turn Harvey Dent into a madman, because he was going to show the world that even the most decent person could be corrupted. But he failed there too because Gordon and Batman covered what happened up. Well, at least until Gordon was kind enough to write all his secrets down on a piece of paper and hand it to Bane in  Dark Knight Rises.

Health Ledger died in real life.

Joker could have done better if he had clearly set out his business goals.

RB

How to make a nice Mutton Curry.... with Joe Pesci.

Note: this also functions as an actual recipe. 

Sip some wine, yous gonna need it

Hi, this is Joe Pesci. Now a lotta you guys dont know, but I'm a real fuckin' good cook, like a I-talian Gordon Ramsay, but less vulgar. Ask the guys they'll tell ya. Nothing beats my mamas cookin' tho, you disagree I'm gonna smash your teeth in. I'm gonna show you today how to make curry, because I ran out of pasta, and I've got a whole shitload of naan bread from a  Curry Heist down in Jersey.

They called it that coz hes an actual underboss- why else would it be a Curry heist?

Now usually I get Paulie to do all my prep work, but if ya wanna be a wiseguy-

THE FUCKIN' INGREDIENTS

• 500g mutton- fuckin' all cut into pieces coz they had it comin' to 'em.

Ya gotta to deal with your meat issues like a man.

• 1 medium sized onion only, don't put in too many onions ya' goon, how many onions you want to use?
• 2 grated tomatos- put them in a fuckin' vise if they give you any trouble, and squish 'em.
• 1 large potato cut into 4 or 8 pieces, more if ya gotta cook for 20 guys someday. If ya invite Clemenza, you gotta cook for 20 guys anyway.

Clemenza dont give two shits 'bout your starving family

• 2 sprigs of thyme, even though I dunno what a fuckin' sprig looks like.
• 4 leaves of spring onion, don't put in too many fuckin' onions.
• 2 sprigs of curry leaves, again with the fuckin' sprigs.
• 1 slit green chilli (remove seeds for a milder curry, but only a pussy does that, are you a pussy?)

Add more chillies if ya gonna cook for ya enemies. Keep your friends close and your enemies folded over

• 1 heaped teaspoon of ginger and garlic paste, coz Ginger's a good girl,

Ginger an' me in happier times

• If you don't got no paste you can crush up some real ginger and garlic, but you gots to have a good system for' slicing up the garlic. Use a razor blade, or ask Paulie if ya get stuck ya' degenerate.

Paulie's system for Garlic

• 1 aniseed, preferably your mother's.
• 1 black cardomom, don't forget it, prick.
• 1 stick of cinnamon, if you don't got one, ask your wife if she got one up her ass.
• ¼ teaspoon of mustard seeds, ¼ teaspoon of turmeric ¼ teaspoon of cumin seeds,¼ teaspoon fennel seed- measure out the quarters like your life depends on it, coz it fuckin' does,
• Oil, sunflower, not the mortar oil I was gonna fry up Kevin Mcallister in, the little brat,

You really wanna know why no one hears from this kid anymore?

• 1 heaped tablespoon of curry masala, rub it in your eyes to show you're a man.
• 1 teaspoon chilli powder, coz fuck your Mother.

Its the only response

• ½ teaspoon of mixed coriander and cumin powders.
• Fresh coriander finely chopped, just like Morrie was after he bust my balls too  much.

Except if his head comes off first.

• 1 bay leaf, ya' rat, your whole family is rats, and yous gonna be a rat too one day.
• 3 leaves of mint for taste coz yous want to be a classy.
• Salt to taste.

Its a piece of cake

THE FUCKIN' METHOD

Heat up the fuckin' oil in a pot big enough to fry some goons, then throw in the onions all chopped up, 1 sprig of thyme , 2 blades of spring onions, chillie, aniseed, bayleaf, cinnamon stick, cardomom , mustard seeds, and cumin. Fry the fuck outta that shit until you can see through the onions like you're a fuckin' eyeball doctor or something.

Moe Green needs a eyeball doctor, lemme tell ya

Add the masala, turmeric, chilli powder, cumin , coriander powder and mix it. Throw it on the guy behind you trying to put a bullet in your head. Redo steps 1 and 2, except for the throwing part, otherwise its gonna be a fuckin' vicious cycle for eternity, I ain't a philosopher, what do ya want.

Fuckin' throw it as soon as you feel the barrel

make sure you throw it over your head

Fry it up until it smells like fuckin' House of Curries. Add the ginger and garlic paste like a obedient little doggie, ya prick. When chopping up the mutton make sure the meat's tender. Like that one time I hit a deer and the thing's paw, um, what do ya call it, the hoof? The hoof got stuck on the car grill and me and the guys had to hack it off. Yeah that kinda meat needs tenderising, So ya take a baseball bat and just whack it over and over on the leg, shoulder, whatever meat ya got, just whack it. If ya got too much meat, just dig a hole and throw it in there- no ones gonna know ya wasted so much meat. What, you don't think I dug a hole before?

I couldn't find a good pic from that Baseball Bat  scene in Casino, so just take this one of my pal in The Untouchables

Add the mutton and mix well so that each meat is coated with the masala.  Throw in the salt. This meat's gonna smell good to any goons ya got hanging around, you just make sure they knows yous watching them.

Goons gotta eat, right?

Now that masala mixture's gotta be fresh. Like this one time I was trying to get into this girls pants, I told her "I fly stuff in fresh every day. I get bread from back home, I get fish from California, and you can always tell a great kitchen like ours 'cause of the milk-fed veal", Its the same with spices, ya hear? You should keep your spices in an airtight container, like a lunch or shine-box. Now on any given day if I don't have fresh spices? Then I have to go home and get my fuckin' shinebox. I ain't even mad.

I love my fuckin' shinebox

After the meat looks byooo-ti-ful and fried up, and the extra water's fucked off, add the grated tomato, and any loose onion pieces you see fallen down. Let that shit simmer for a bit then throw in the potato. Cook it up until the potato goes soft like Jake LaMotta's wasted body and the tomatoes melt. Cook it up until you feel it looks like a curry and then garnish the mother with freshly chopped coriander . Simmer until it smells like you're gonna be sitting on the toilet for a fuckin' year  from tomorrow morning. 

This is how it looks, ya mook

There ya go, this shit will feed your family, your fuckin' uncles's family, bring fuckin' froggy, your best friend, everyone can eat.

They'll be so happy

There's a good mutton curry recipe straight from the heart of Italy. You don't gots to go to that takeaway no more, I got ya covered. Coz you know you get to the takeaway and you see all those pictures and get delicious smells comin' out the wazoo. Then you make your order, and it tastes and smells nothing like what they advertised in the establishment. That's what they do though. They FUCK YOU in the takeaway, first they seduce you, then they FUCK YOU, and when they're done fuckin' you, along comes acid reflux and they FUCK YOU some more! They FUCK YOU at the takeaway, okay? They FUCK YOU at the takeaway! They know you're gonna be miles away before you find out you got fucked! They know you're not gonna turn around and go back, they don't care. So who gets fucked? Ol' Joe Pesci. Mother ....

They fuck ya, they fuck ya, they fuck ya... I should have a snickers.

RB

Sorry for the swearing so much. It was required

League of Legends: Have Fun

I have started playing this online game called League of Legends.Now usually, I cant stand games where you have to play in a team... coz I dont trust no one. You hear me Donnie Brasco! I don't trust no-one , nothing, no-how. You Sunnavabish, I kill you for what you do to Lefty!

Look at him there, plotting where he's going to sink the knife

Anyway this game is different, because its super fun and addictive despite the trust issue.

Basic rundown: League of Legends is a game that is played by people on the internet. These internet people forms teams of 3 or five and each internet person  controls a  champion. The point of the game is to run using your team of champions into the base of the opposing team and destroy it. Champions all have different spells, abilities and types of attacks which you can use to try and kill opposing teams champions and their buildings. Additionally, champions can buy items such as armor and magical staffs to increase their various attacks and resistances. Champions are able to earn gold to buy these items by "farming", that is killing the opposing teams minions which spawn in waves every few seconds, and also by killing opposing champions, neutral monsters which are parked in certain areas, and opposing buildings. Simple?

Am I even doing anything?

Champions

There are over 100 champions to choose from, each with specific advantages and disadvantages. LOL is unique however in that some champions are designed overpowered, and left that way for years  because, hey, we all want to relive being Gon in Tekken 3.

I like how he has to go on tip toes to make a poof.

So basically these characters can destroy your entire team if you let them farm enough. Isn't that a hallmark of genuine and well thought out game-making? However, it does make it so much sweeter when you use your normal character to severely put the beatdown on these overpowered characters. A few examples of normal characters are:


Annie

Annie is a little girl who is also a powerful fire sorceress. Her main abilities include shooting fire at you, shooting conical fire at you, surrounding herself in a circle of fire and throwing her teddy bear, Tibbers (on fire) at you, Beware though, for, once said teddy bear arrives it transforms into a mighty pedobear, capable of swiping other champions to death with large meaty club arms. Tibbers is so cool, when i play with Annie and Tibbers is ready to use I jump out of my seat and go running through the house screaming " YAAAAAAAAAY, TIBBBBBBBBBBEEERS!"

Tibbers, about to rape a Navi'

Tibbers makes the Annie dress up sometimes too

Gangplank

Hes a PIRATE!!!!! OMGOMGOMG

You get to effect a pirates accent while shooting people with your pistol and watching their life disappear. Gangplank wastes no time. One shot would have ended Captain Phillips. In addition, Gangplank always stays healthy and eats a a shit-ton of oranges because they cure the scurvy, and... every other affliction known to man or beast in LOL. It works like a get out of jail card in Monopoly, jail in this case being death in all its forms. Pirates for the win.

Eat your oranges. it keeps you alive

Also, as Gangplank, you gets all the booty. Gangplank loves teh booty.

Spot the Pirate, LoL edition

Zilean

Look at this old ass bitch. Possibly the most useless champion in all of league, relatively.

He puts bombs on your head that takes a few seconds to explode. Also he has a  die-move in that if you're about to kill him, he can bring himself back to life. This is easily countered, in that if you do see him use his die-move, don't kill him, wait for it to wear off, and then kill him. Or if you want to rub in how useless he is, kill him while he has die-move, wait for him to come back to life, then kill him again. The only problem is that in addition to die-move he has fast-move and slow-move, in that he can speed himself up and slow you down to make his escape to his friends, just like the old-ass bitch he is.

Please refer to the short explanatory video below:

League of Non-stop Drama

As with any online game where cooperation or interaction is required, the whole thing goes tits up. LOL has gained the reputation for having some of the most toxic players of any online game community, with a community reporting system, and a ban on toxic players not really doing much to stem the tide of jackasses who play LOL. 

Some common insults include:

Uninstall you faggot noob

I hope your mother gets cancer

Why don't you kill yourself

You &*%* (insert expletive)

You retard, jerkoff, useless twat abortion waste.

And these are just the ones I have used since I started playing this morning.

Someone's not having a good day.

Despite all its issues, LoL is really good fun, its free (but you can always purchase new skins and items for champs with real money if you feel frisky), and you can play with and make new friends! Just try not to rage  too hard when you get killed in under 5 seconds by some overpowered jacKASS WHO DID NOTHING BUT FARMED THE WHOLE GAEM< BUT STILL STUNS YOU THEN KNOCKS YOU UP THEN MAKES YOUR HEALTH BAR FUCKING DISAPPEAR  BY ONLY CLICKING ON YOUR HEAD, WITHOUT REQUIRING ANY FLUCKING SKILL< IS THIS WHAT YOU CALL GAME DESIGN YOU MOTHERFUCKERS???????@@@@@@< I HATE THIS FUCKING GAME GODDDAMMIT HOLY FUCKING SON OF A WHORE NKJDjlkh=sdfjskdjfhoiawhefbnffffffffffffffllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllsdlfhnbsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshjeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

RB

2015 comes after 2014

Yes it is a new year. Who would have guessed we as a human race would have survived for such a long time? Not me. Certainly not Dino-Nostradamus. He didn't even  have the foresight to tell  his dino brethren to make a fire because WINTER WAS COMING.  

Dino-Nostradamus- exposed as a charlatan and fossil

Two point arise from this: 

1)You never see them preparing for the coming winter in Game of Thrones do you? Like they know its coming... shouldn't people be gathering wool or insulating their houses with yak's fat? Its more like "we know winter is coming... but we couldn't be arsed to prepare. Its only a figure of speech anyway".

2) How did dinosaurs actually die? Was it the meteor or was it the ice age, volcanoes, or all of them? Because Ice Age 1-4 (5?), We're Back, A Dinosaurs Story and A Sound of Thunder all say different things. I mean come on guys, Hollywood should at least try to maintain some consistency up in this bitch.

Even so, these are the Velociraptors we deserve. 

Anyway, Update: I am still male and human, barely. I quit my job at "Huge Bastard Corporate Law Firm", stopped taking antidepressants, stopped smoking, went back to my old job, got a hot girlfriend (no pic requests pls, but I promise its true) and forgot about writing on my blog. Until yesterday... when I remembered and saw a few drafts I had written just asking  me to publish them. 

Here are things I want to talk about:

How I quit my job.

I was up for performance review because the bosses realized that the 8 hours I put in at work could comfortably be converted to another couple hours each day if they made it seem that I needed to work harder to stay. Little did these highly paid idiots know that I was sick of their bum-scratching, head-patting, limpdick, back-stabbing, mind-closing, arse-licking, eye-gouging, neck-squeezing, vagina-monlogue-ing corporate culture,  and that I had been making plans to leave from months before.

Accurate representation

Anyway, the day of the performance review came, and I walked in, and these two sacks of fecal matter, one my boss, and the other the company HR manager sat looking smugly at me,  like each had won a prized case of herpes from their favorite prostitute.

Long story short, I was surprised how flustered I was able to make men who were 20 years my senior. It was hilarious looking at their jowls wobble. They even threatened me with the line " If you do anything to harm this [huge company which shouldn't be afraid of a little ex-employee like me ( I mean there are real corporate scandals this company is involved in , and also not to mention the eternal fight for their souls against Beelzebub that they should actually be worried about], we have ways of Dealing with you...".  My hope is that one of those ways is not another job offer. 

Moar Lawyers!

Unfortunately I may have taken it a bit too far when I threw my building access card across the table at them and then had no way to leave the building. Luckily a certain employee agreed with my assertion that the bosses were wankers and lent me an access card with which to make my daring escape. But first I went downstairs and called a colleague an idiot. All classy, All the time

Then I went back to my old law firm and got a job there. Yay

Traffic

Why is this even a thing in 2015? We have had 2015 years AT LEAST, to sort out this thing. Where has all the Traffic research money gone to? Have these people simply been pocketing the money? As a taxpayer, I refuse to recognise  traffic. This should no longer be a problem. 

Enjoyable

Where are the hover cars the 80's films told me would exist by now? You mean in 30 years, our scientists couldnt figure out how to make a hover car? The blueprints to make one are right there in the screenplay for The Fifth Element. And what about the hover car research money? No more bullshit audi models, wheres the frickin hover car, audi? Even Sgt Bilko could make a Hovertank! I think if we stop sinking money into stupid Spiderman reboots, we could at least make a car that can stick to walls. That's a start. 

This however, seems to be a slight misstep. (times 8)

Heal the World

Why hasn't there been another version of  or a song like Heal the World in the last 10 years? Have the worlds problems become too shitty, that not even a silly pop song can do much to motivate people anymore? 

Of course we get the crap songs at Christmas, that encourage people to spend more money at shopping malls, but nothing when we read or hear about Isis, Boko Haram, Israel, Syria, Genocide, Rape, and Fox News.

I just want a cheesy Michael Jackson song to make me feel a little better, even for 2 minutes. Maybe something that will come on the radio and make a gunman stop and think before he makes his way into a public school (at least long enough for someone to spot him sitting in his car and then smash a brick on his head).

This is the cheese we deserve.

Oh wait. Micheal's Dead. And he was an alleged pedophile. And Bill Cosby may have done really terrible things while the world laughed at his show, for decades.  And Robin Williams is dead. Thanks, the 2000's, you certainly are the best 1000's. Fuckin' Bullshit.

Patch Adams cant fix up the world anymore. Mrs Doubtfire can't clean up the House. Young Alan Parrish  and Peter Pan  only get to grow up once.

Sad Face
RB

50 Shades of Dre

I wrote this, not having any idea of what 50 Shades of Grey was about, except that it had bondage sexy times in it between a dude and a coquettish woman , all normal like.  I have read the Wikipedia entry however, so I am more qualified and smarter than people who have read the “book”. Also, holy shit, this rubbish is a fucking trilogy. I blame the number three for all that is horrid in our world.

3 blind mice, 3 little pigs, 3 hobbits films. All those don't end well. The antichrist is amongst us.

So:

Dr Dre is a successful rapper, and record producer. He is also super buff, with all the man-muscles. Dre likes the finer things in life like cars, preferably Datsuns, and knock-off Rolexes.  Dre was also fond of interior decorating.  He was a proponent of Aristotle, who believed the two primary colours were black and white- that is light and its absence.

 

Aristotle

To this end, Dre installed in each of his sun facing rooms, high quality shades, to keep the sun out. It is said that in Dre mansions, there were 50 sun facing rooms.

The other character we have to talk about now is the female character in the book. She is a plain and average girl who must fit into the “everygirl” model so that readers can close their eyes and  imagine that they are her when they have to do the do with their fat/ugly boyfriends/ husbands/ bondage masters. Her name is irrelevant, but we will call her Danielle (“Dana”) Steele, who coincidentally is also the author of the book.

She has written other, similarly themed novels

In an amazing turn of events, Dre and Dana for some inexplicable reason notice each other, because they have so much in common.  Dre later sees Dana again when he goes to a local builders warehouse, and purchases lampshades. (This is not how life works, is it? I will only suspend disbelief if a book deserves it. To forward this bullshit plot? Fuck you, E L Jams. Your preserves, however, are delicious.)

This jam looks like when a lady has her period.

Dre asks Dana out for coffee. Dre and Dana go out for coffee. She learns many things about him. His favorite word is “bitch”, and she finds it cute that he also calls her “hoebag” on several occasions. She thinks he is “eccentric”. He says, “I ain't no hearts and flowers guy bitch”. She wonders  about what a guy bitch is and whether punctuation is really lacking in today's literature. She is also warmed that he writes her a poem.

It reads:

“Snoop Doggy Dogg paged, that must mean more hoes
So I head down the street to long beach
Just so I could meet, a freak
To lick me from my head to my feet
And I'm here, now I'm ready to be done up
Nothin' but homies around so I put my gun up
Bitches on my nuts like clothes
But I'm from the pound and we don't love them hoes”.

She is honored and slightly turned on. Dre informs her that she must sign a Non-disclosure agreement if she wanted the sexy times. Now as a lawyer, this part really excited me.

Fuck yeah, teh monies!

Actually...not really. I got bored reading the Wikipedia article. Literally a first for me.

I refuse to even try to satirise this idiotic book anymore. It feels like a cop-out on my part, especially as there are so many jokes to be made.  I mean, why is the idea of signing an agreement that stipulates that “there will only be sex and not love in our relationship" a basis for a plot? Is it pseudo-taboo to talk about doing that (note that prostitutes enter into these contracts all the time, verbally, with their clients), thereby making it somehow psychologically erotic and giving us all “ooooooooo” feelings.

Instead of reading an idiotic book, it is more effective to look at pictures of Jennifer Lawrence

Anyway cut all the bullshit …. She gets spanked, cries about it, and realizes she doesn't want to be spanked.  What a stupid hoebag.

Okay do it, do it. Ow stop stop, it hurts. (What the fuck do you think was going to happen?)

Dre goes on to become even more successful, even admitting his fetish by naming his product line after it. 

Still a better love story than twilight. Maybe.

I  give up. 

RB