Movie Villains Who Have No Clue On How To Do Their Job

How hard can it be to be a movie villain? Rampage, kill to your hearts (or lack thereof) content and have a film made about you. Life is good. But there are certain avatars of massacre that we celebrate even though they have no clue. Certain monsters of mayhem that, if not for lady luck smiling upon them, couldn’t steal magnets if their hands were made of metal. Here are some that need to take some time off and contemplate their motivations.

1) Candyman- Candyman (1992)

I don't know what to do with my hands

A young student, Helen, sets out to disprove the legend of Candyman.  Candyman can be summoned by saying his name five times while facing a mirror, whereupon he will murder the summoner with wipes of his hook-hand.

Candyman appears to Helen one day claiming that since Helen has been telling people he is just a legend, he must now prove he exists. Now why the Candyman is terrible at his job is because, even though he wants to keep his memory alive and remain a terrifying urban legend in the mind of the community, he keeps framing Helen for the hook-murders he commits, and then he runs away and hides. In one ridiculous scene, he floats downwards from the ceiling, and then hides  under a bed  just before hospital orderlies enter a room, while Helen shouts for them to look under the bed for Candyman. Hilarious, how he must just have been lying there the whole time chuckling softly to himself.

He doesn’t even live up to his legend, the first time Helen does the “five times” Candyman chant, he doesn’t even bother to show up. Perhaps he was on holiday, or playing Candy Crush or something. The real kicker though is that he eventually reveals that he wants Helen to join him as a murderous Candy-Woman. Yes, Candyman was ruined by the Jungle Fever, the same thing that resulted in his murder by angry white folk so many years ago. One would think that he would be terrified of white women, seeing as the first one resulted in a bunch of bees to the face and impromptu hook hand surgery. He at least then gets some good marks for persistence.

2) Alien Invaders- Signs (2002)

Get out, I'm naked.

Have you ever made a mistake that was so huge, that it possibly jeopardized the existence of your entire species? No? Congratulations! You’re not an Alien from Signs.

In the film, Aliens invade Earth for some reason, not really killing anyone, but popping up in corn fields, at birthday parties, making Joaquin Phoenix wear a silly hat, and being general creeps. Unfortunately, and although being able to master interplanetary travel, the Aliens go completely into Wicked Witch of the West Mode when water is thrown at them.

Now seeing as the earth is 70% water, one would think that these intelligent beings would have done some kind of feasibility study before their invasion. For example, a small scientific inspection of the mass of liquid covering most of the planet. And a few melted alien scientists later, the alien generals would have probably called the invasion off. Alien Papers headlines would read “A Nations Hopes Melt Away” and “Don’t Mess with Earth, or You’ll Wet Yourself”.

Or perhaps the entire alien race had left their home plant because it was destroyed or dying and Earth was their last hope. In any event, they’re doomed. Because even if they still have a home to return to, Earth knows about them now. Earth does not forgive. Earth does not forget. In 2020, we invade them … in Signs 2: Sign Harder. What a twist!

3) Nazgûl –  The Lord of the Rings Trilogy

The Greater Good

The Nazgûl had one job. “Find the Ringbearer, kill him, and take the ring. In this job they successfully completed a performance bonus-worthy zero out of three.

The most obvious case of the Nazgûl dropping the ball was the scene where Nazgûl Jeff (the most junior of the Nazgûl) couldn’t detect three smelly hobbits and one ringbearer hiding just below him in an extremely convenient undergrowth/ditch. Aren’t these Nazgûl supposed to be drawn to the ring’s power? Now I don’t know about you, but I can sense a cheeseburger from a pretty far distance away. Is the rings aura not as powerful as cheeseburger sense?

Although they have trouble being devious and evil during the day, they should have been in their element once they realized one night that the hobbits were at Weathertop. They could have formulated some plan worthy of a SWAT operation, only with swords, cloaks and machinations, instead of semi-automatics and testosterone.  No, the only plan they could come up with was “Ok guys, lets form a semi-circle and approach them  really slowly so that Aragorn, son of Arathorn, can show up and throw fire in our faces. Then we can all run away and tell Daddy Sauron that we tried”.

Also their Witch King leader, whom even Gandalf was terrified of, was killed by silly wordplay. It was said that no “man” could kill the Witch King. What luck then, that Eowyn of Rohan who encountered him at the battle of Gondor was the owner of a proud and lively vagina.

Inspector Clouseau would have found the ring by accident before any of the Nazgûl.

4) The Joker- The Dark Knight (2008)

I got captured to tell you that I'm going to escape.

I get that the Joker is insane.  But he is also good strategist. That’s why some of his actions make no sense if he really wanted to, as he put it to Two-Face/burnt Harvey Dent, “introduce a little anarchy to the world”. And he cant use the excuse of chaos for chaos sake because at the end he reveals he had a masterplan  the whole time. 

Therefore, a few of the Jokers failures were:

Burning a huge stockpile of stolen money.  How does the joker fund his extravagant operations? With catchy oneliners?

Not killing Batman, Harvey Dent, or the Mayor and being fooled into thinking he killed Commissioner Gordon.

Dressing up hostages as his henchmen, thinking SWAT would kill them. (Didn’t work.)

His masterplan was that he wanted to show that people, if they were given the choice, would give in to chaos and commit murder. He has two groups of people on two  boats, one with normal Gothamites, and the other with criminals, telling them their boats were rigged with explosives, and both would explode if one boat didn’t detonate the others boat before midnight.  Long story short, both boats didn’t blow up. Good job, Joker.

His excuse to Batman after he fails miserably at his own game of Battleship is that his real goal was to turn Harvey Dent into a madman, because he was going to show the world that even the most decent person could be corrupted. But he failed there too because Gordon and Batman covered what happened up. Well, at least until Gordon was kind enough to write all his secrets down on a piece of paper and hand it to Bane in  Dark Knight Rises.

Health Ledger died in real life.

Joker could have done better if he had clearly set out his business goals.

RB