Remembering Ozymandias: King of Rabbits

Look at the mischief in his eyes

My good friend Ozymandias died on Saturday 9 November at 8:35. He had a bunny seizure and died wrapped in my blanket where I had been trying to keep him warm and comfortable. I buried him under a lemon tree wrapped in his same blanket and together with a few of his favourite things:  a delicious candle, a rubber teething  ring, a bit of a box and a carrot he had partially nibbled at .

In a previous post I had mentioned that Ozzy was an arsehole. Well, he wasn’t just any old arsehole. He was the best kind of arsehole a boy who loved rabbits could be.

Ozzy eating a balloon

Ozzy’s Greatest Hits

"On the count of 3, human, you will awake and then feed me large handfuls of herbs" 

• Ozzy peed on me the day I got him. Then I hugged him and he wouldn't stop staring at me.
• Once Ozzy just straight up ate a candle. 
• Ozzy burrowed into the vinyl at the back of my sofa leaving a huge gaping hole which I couldn't see until I moved my sofa away from the wall.
• Ozzy jumped to the 5th section of my bookshelf and ate a few of my Deadpool comics and my Civil War collection.
• Ozzy uprooted my cactus and spread the soil all over the floor/dining table.
• Ozzy tried eating a balloon once.  He looked  and sounded like Maggie Simpson.

• Ozzy jumped really high from sitting position  and then fell flat on the floor, stretching his legs behind him. (I called this his ploop manoeuvre, or simply “ploop”)
• Once I fell asleep without putting Ozzy away in his enclosure and he woke me up by doing a ploop on my chest.
• Ozzy had a need for speed. He would race from one end of my apartment to the other and once missed the carpet sliding on the tile and banging his nose on a glass sliding door.
• Ozzy did not suffer fools gladly. He only thumped his foot at me in anger once. I was being a prick at the time.
• Ozzy knew that the fridge being opened was a good sign for his belly.
• He had the naughtiest looking face and would find something new to drive you crazy with each day just because.
• Ozzy watched the news on TV once, but I don’t think the affairs of humans weigh heavy on the mind of rabbitkind. He soon went back to nibbling my sofa and TV cables
• Ozzy nibbled and damaged my sisters 21^st birthday party banner on the morning of the party. I told her, only a really clever rabbit would have known to nibble only around the edges.

.

Ozymandias and Spock have become evil

Since Ozzy had bonded with my sister's rabbit, Spock, we had to find another rabbit before Spock sunk into depression. I didn't want to hear of another rabbit that wasn't Ozzy, so my sister ended up getting this lump of nonsense here without my help:

Codename: "Pudu"

Can he truly live up to the the name that Ozymandias has made for himself in my house?

Perhaps he just might.

"Ozymandias" by Percy Bysse Shelley:

I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: `Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear -
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

Ozzy certainly made a colossal wreck of my sofa, that's for damn sure. Good choice of name, I think, and part well played by rabbit. 

Goodbye Ozymandias, you naughty lovable shit angel! Rabbits everywhere have lost their king, but my ruined sofa will forever bear testimony to your greatness! I will miss you my friend.

RB

Thingaling (The Thing, 1982)

Dun dun… dun dun… dun dun… dun dun…

Kurt Russel and Keith David take a bunch of guys out to the South Pole, because that’s what scientist guys and helicopter pilots do.

Included in the group is Wilford "Diabeetus" Brimley, but more on him later.

A helicopter pursues a really cuddly wuddly doggie to an American Antarctic research station all the while trying to shoot it.

Awwwww give him a cuddle. Who's a good doggie woggie woo?Who’s he? You's he? Goodie doggie woggie boo. AAAAAAH GET THESE TENTACLES OFFF MEEE!!!! ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH

As the group run out, the helicopter lands. One occupant accidentally drops a bomb destroying the helicopter and pilot. The gunman continues firing, and missing, until he is killed by Garry, the station commander. Saviours of the world, indeed. 

The team decides to send Kurt Russell to the dead mens' camp for answers, but  he finds that it has been burnt down. Outside they discover the burned remains of a corpse with two faces. Kurt Russel returns with the corpse, where their biologist, Wilford Brimley, performs an autopsy, finding a normal set of human internal organs.

Well what did you expect? Just because we’re all different on the outside doesn’t mean we all have to be different on the inside. God, I’m sick of your prejudices, Wilford Brimley. Also, easy with that claw, its not a lobster dinner!

The group kennels the doggie-boo with the station's sled dogs where it begins to metamorphose and attacks them with an assortment of eyes, teeth, earthworm sprouts and spaghetti feelers, which make a sickening sound like when when you drop a fully unrolled metal tape measure on a ground a couple hundred times.

Arrrrrrrgh cute doggie Arrrrrgh arrrgh , my liver, arrrrrgh.

Kurt Russell  calls for a flamethrower. Because fire beats evil every time.

"I approve of this message" 

Keith David incinerates the creature, and Wilford Brimley does another autopsy, which leads him to believe the creature is capable of perfectly imitating other life forms. The Norwegians' records lead the team to a crater containing a spaceship they suspect the creature came from. Its strange that they could read Norwegian, but they couldn't understand the guy they shot who was screaming in Norwegian “Kill that Thing before it eats your eyeballs and  smooshes you into a fine paste”.

We don't need continuity, we have a cool enough poster.

Wildford Brimley becomes suspicious of the others and withdraws, calculating that if the alien escapes to a civilized area, all life on Earth will be eaten in a few years.

"Thing": Danger to the human race

Meanwhile, the Thing, in all it’s thingy glory chew ups the scenery and a few of group and begins imitating them, some partially only. The ones found out are quickly incinerated.

Um, wait I can explain, its just Alien Hand Syndrome. My hands just play air guitar of their own accord

The group realize Wilford Brimley  is absent, just before Kurt Russel sees his bloated body running inside. They discover he has wrecked all the transport and killed the remaining sled dogs. The team corners him as he is destroying the radio  and the group partakes in a hilariously violent tables, axes and guns match.

Wilford Brimley: You guys think I'M crazy! Well, that's fine! Most of ya don't know what's goin' on around here, but I'm damn well sure SOME of you do!

Kurt Russel: Christ!  Now, Keith David, go around to the map room door. Talk to him.

Keith David: Yeah.

Wilford Brimley: [still smashing up the radio room with an axe while yelling] D'ya think that thing wanted to be an animal? No dogs make it a thousand miles through the cold! No, you don't understand! That thing wanted to be US! If a cell gets out, it could imitate everything on the FACE OF THE EARTH! AAAAND NOTHING can stop it!

Kurt Russell: Wilford Brimley, for a man of science I think you might be dealing with this a little irrationally. Why not come out here and we can thing of a plan to get rid of our Alien invader. Come on we need you skills. What do You say?

Wilford Brimley: OOOOOOAAAAAAUUUUUGGHHHHHHUUUU!!! (Hits more things with axes)

Keith David: Okay, Wilford Brimley. Come on, man, you don't wanna hurt anybody. You kinda look like my old postman…

Wilford Brimley:  OLD???!!(fires Shots) I'LL KILL YOU! [fires more shots]  This Postman always shoots twice!

Axe on, axe off

The match ends once Wilford Brimley runs out of bullets, the group then ram against him with a wooden table which Wilford Brimley buries an axe in  and  Kurt Russel clubs Wilford Brimley twice upside the head with his fist. The group then locks Wilford Brimley in the tool shed.

Keith David didn't have time  for bullshit

Determined to learn who is infected, they discover their blood stores have been sabotaged before they can perform a blood-serum test the doctor recommends, and the paranoid men begin to turn on each other. Because you know, there was no possible way for them to get more of their own blood.

Kurt Russell, being the environmental type, leaves the other guys to see why the lights were left on at his private shack. He gets separated from the others and they begin to suspect he is now a Thing, barricading all the doors. However Kurt Russell suddenly breaks in through a window  and threatens to destroy the station with a bundle of dynamite if they attack him.One of the group, Norris, has a heart attack. when the doctor attempts to do some good ol’ defibrillation, his chest gapes open and closes like a giant mouth full of teeth, biting off the doctors arms and killing him.

Sometimes my stomach has a mouth of its own

Hi, so this is me.

The head of the Thing separates from the body, and lassos its way across the room using a whip tongue.

Ladiiieeees....

It then sprouts stalk eyes and crab legs like some hideous Crab, but no doubt, every bit as delicious. 

It scuttles out of the room singing “Unda da sea” in a Jamaican Accent.

Kurt Russell, not being a fan of Cool Runnings or the Little Mermaid, incinerates the creature when it pokes its head out from under a hiding place.

Just run out the door, don't fart, don't fart, don't fart. Dammit

 Kurt Russell ties everyone up for a new test and explains his theory that every piece of the alien is an individual organism with its own survival instinct that will react defensively when threatened. One by one he tests everyone's blood with a heated piece of copper wire. 

That didn't prevent them cutting themselves with the same scalpel covered in each others blood though. 

All but one is still human, and this Thing transforms and  attacks the group, forcing Kurt Russell to use the fire once more.

God, there was less use of fire in Backdraft.

Leaving Keith David on guard, the remaining groups go to test Wilford Brimley, only to find that he has tunneled under the tool shed like some kind of naughty puppy. They realize that Wilford Brimley is now the Thing and has been scavenging the equipment he appeared to destroy in order to build a small escape craft in a half assed James Bond villain manner. The group decide to dynamite the complex hoping to destroy the Thing, but most of the group is killed by the Wilford Brimley- Thing.

Rawr. I used to be Wilford Brimley

Wilford Brimley then transforms into  a huge monster and attacks, destroying the detonator, but Kurt Russell triggers the blast with a stick of dynamite and the base explodes. Stumbling through the burning ruins, Kurt Russell finds Keith David, who claims he got lost in the storm. 

I dont really give a shit though

Exhausted and with no hope of survival, they acknowledge they could each be a thing, and decide rather to share a bottle of scotch as the camp burns, because why waste good scotch.

Just make sure zat you order scotch like ze Germans or you vill blow your cover

Two Veg:

Doggie booshy boo! Whoooshoobooo! Who shoo boo boo shooo!

The Norwegian's dog in the film was named Jed.  He was a half wolf/half husky breed. Jed, however, is not the dog seen in the beginning chase scene, where the Norwegians are trying shoot him. This was another dog painted to look like Jed.

Hee hee, no one will ever know the difference

End 

Dun dun… dun dun… dun dun… dun dun…

RB

Update: Some amazing claymation from Lee Hardcastle- "Claycat's The Thing"

Video Game Boy: Your Princess is in another Castle

The true story behind Mario and Luigi's journey through the Castle of World 8 of Super Mario Bros

"Yo"....... "Yo".

Yo Mario, I 've got a feeling that we're not gonna find our princess in this here castle!

Shaddup Luigi, we've been through 7 of them, its payday! Didja bring the canollis at least? We gotta appease Bowser somehow. Dont want anudda fucked up Toad incident!

Yeah, well at least Bowser let him keep his legs!

You crazy sunnafabitch, Toad's basically a walking plank 'a wood now. He put VH1 on the 'udda day and was just lookin' at the music video for "One", you know, coz bowser ate his ears off.

Well at least he let him keep the one eye.

Yeah, you may be right, Lui,  he's not such a bad guy, that Bowser.

He may have deserved it, I don't know.

Nah, he definitely deserved it.

This Castle don't look too bad though, you wanna go first Mario?

I don't really get why we have to go one at a  time Lui? I mean, we could possibly help each other through things like lava and stuff, or you could shoot fireballs at Koopas and shit while I just run straight for Bowser? Whaddya think?

Ah, I dunno Mario, we've never done that before.

Cmon, lets do it!

Why change whats been workin' for so long?

Lets just try it! I'll let you have the Princess after I'm done with her!

Okay Mario.

So they made their way into the unassuming, yet strangely familiar castle.

Uh Oh, Mario, I really don't care for this background music.

Just be thankful were not in a swimming level with those fackin' octopusses, octopi,  or octopods.

I don't think your'e right when you say "octopusses"

You're wrong, those three plurals for octopus are all acceptable in da Queen's English.

No I mean, they're not octopus, they're squid that we fight in the ocean.

Just shaddup, it doesn't matter, all I knows is they look like Steve Buscemi.

Steve Buscemi

A Squiddy

How do fireballs work underwater anyways?
Stop it Luigi, you're such a Goomba! We've got bigger fish to fry right now. Look at this huge fireball obstacle shit we got goin' on here for example.

Oh My God look at that shit.

Unnecessarily large even in its natural habitat.

Don't worry Luigi! I saved starmen for this exact moment.

We swear we're not gay

Quick Mario, we need to rape and pillage everything on this level coz  we've only got a few seconds before..., aah wait its over.

Well at least we got past that fireball thing. How does that thing even work anyway? 

I dunno, but they remind me o' Mama's meatballs though, hot going in and comin' out. 

That's a spicy meat-a-ball!

Aaaaah I think I see Bowser down there Luigi! Goddamm he's put on weight. He's got the Princess doing some kind of dance in chains and she's feeding him chicken I think. 

Basically this

Mario, he's so fat, how are we going to jump over his head and hit the axe? We don't  even have any fireballs!

Don't worry Luigi! I've brought the big guns this time.

Leave the gun, take the cannolis

Mario, is that, is that...?

Yeah that's right Luigi! I've brought John Leguizamo! One of the most irritating things on planet earth. He'll finish Bowser for sure!

Bowser ain't got shit on this.

Quick Mario, the musics changed, there's no time!  Scrunch him into a ball and fling that turd!

UNNNNNNGGGGGAAAAAHHHHH! (*throws*)

There's no time to render John Leguizamo!

Yeeeeeah!!! Direct Hit! Now just to mosey on to the Princess. 

Bitches be trippin'', we be steppin"

Hellooooooo Deeeeeari- AAAH WHAT THE SHITT?!!!!!!

Youuuuu Beeeeeeeeeeeesh!

But, but, Princess, we were kind of hoping we could get some Tender Loving Care seeing as how we came all this way!

Hey Mario, Bowser is still unconscious, he wouldn't look too bad in a dress, I think.

Yeeeeeeeahhhh....

Assume the position

This is what they call a Money Shot

And so it all ended well with the Bros having saved the Princess, and defeated and snoo-snood their mortal enemy to death.

All was well in the mushroom kingdom, or so they thought, but that is a story for Super Mario 2.

RB