Video Game Boy: Your Princess is in another Castle

The true story behind Mario and Luigi's journey through the Castle of World 8 of Super Mario Bros

"Yo"....... "Yo".

Yo Mario, I 've got a feeling that we're not gonna find our princess in this here castle!

Shaddup Luigi, we've been through 7 of them, its payday! Didja bring the canollis at least? We gotta appease Bowser somehow. Dont want anudda fucked up Toad incident!

Yeah, well at least Bowser let him keep his legs!

You crazy sunnafabitch, Toad's basically a walking plank 'a wood now. He put VH1 on the 'udda day and was just lookin' at the music video for "One", you know, coz bowser ate his ears off.

Well at least he let him keep the one eye.

Yeah, you may be right, Lui,  he's not such a bad guy, that Bowser.

He may have deserved it, I don't know.

Nah, he definitely deserved it.

This Castle don't look too bad though, you wanna go first Mario?

I don't really get why we have to go one at a  time Lui? I mean, we could possibly help each other through things like lava and stuff, or you could shoot fireballs at Koopas and shit while I just run straight for Bowser? Whaddya think?

Ah, I dunno Mario, we've never done that before.

Cmon, lets do it!

Why change whats been workin' for so long?

Lets just try it! I'll let you have the Princess after I'm done with her!

Okay Mario.

So they made their way into the unassuming, yet strangely familiar castle.

Uh Oh, Mario, I really don't care for this background music.

Just be thankful were not in a swimming level with those fackin' octopusses, octopi,  or octopods.

I don't think your'e right when you say "octopusses"

You're wrong, those three plurals for octopus are all acceptable in da Queen's English.

No I mean, they're not octopus, they're squid that we fight in the ocean.

Just shaddup, it doesn't matter, all I knows is they look like Steve Buscemi.

Steve Buscemi

A Squiddy

How do fireballs work underwater anyways?
Stop it Luigi, you're such a Goomba! We've got bigger fish to fry right now. Look at this huge fireball obstacle shit we got goin' on here for example.

Oh My God look at that shit.

Unnecessarily large even in its natural habitat.

Don't worry Luigi! I saved starmen for this exact moment.

We swear we're not gay

Quick Mario, we need to rape and pillage everything on this level coz  we've only got a few seconds before..., aah wait its over.

Well at least we got past that fireball thing. How does that thing even work anyway? 

I dunno, but they remind me o' Mama's meatballs though, hot going in and comin' out. 

That's a spicy meat-a-ball!

Aaaaah I think I see Bowser down there Luigi! Goddamm he's put on weight. He's got the Princess doing some kind of dance in chains and she's feeding him chicken I think. 

Basically this

Mario, he's so fat, how are we going to jump over his head and hit the axe? We don't  even have any fireballs!

Don't worry Luigi! I've brought the big guns this time.

Leave the gun, take the cannolis

Mario, is that, is that...?

Yeah that's right Luigi! I've brought John Leguizamo! One of the most irritating things on planet earth. He'll finish Bowser for sure!

Bowser ain't got shit on this.

Quick Mario, the musics changed, there's no time!  Scrunch him into a ball and fling that turd!

UNNNNNNGGGGGAAAAAHHHHH! (*throws*)

There's no time to render John Leguizamo!

Yeeeeeah!!! Direct Hit! Now just to mosey on to the Princess. 

Bitches be trippin'', we be steppin"

Hellooooooo Deeeeeari- AAAH WHAT THE SHITT?!!!!!!

Youuuuu Beeeeeeeeeeeesh!

But, but, Princess, we were kind of hoping we could get some Tender Loving Care seeing as how we came all this way!

Hey Mario, Bowser is still unconscious, he wouldn't look too bad in a dress, I think.

Yeeeeeeeahhhh....

Assume the position

This is what they call a Money Shot

And so it all ended well with the Bros having saved the Princess, and defeated and snoo-snood their mortal enemy to death.

All was well in the mushroom kingdom, or so they thought, but that is a story for Super Mario 2.

RB