Dun dun… dun dun… dun dun… dun dun…
Kurt Russel and Keith David take a bunch of guys out to the
South Pole, because that’s what scientist guys and helicopter pilots do.
 |
| Included in the group is Wilford "Diabeetus" Brimley, but more on him later. |
A helicopter pursues a really cuddly wuddly doggie to an American
Antarctic research station all the while trying to shoot it.
 |
| Awwwww give him a cuddle. Who's a good doggie woggie woo?Who’s he? You's he? Goodie doggie woggie boo. AAAAAAH GET THESE TENTACLES OFFF MEEE!!!! ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH |
As the group run
out, the helicopter lands. One occupant accidentally drops a bomb destroying
the helicopter and pilot. The gunman
continues firing, and missing, until he is killed by Garry, the station commander. Saviours of the world, indeed.
The team decides
to send Kurt Russell to the dead mens' camp for answers, but he finds that it has been burnt
down. Outside they discover the burned remains of a corpse
with two faces. Kurt Russel returns with the corpse, where their biologist, Wilford
Brimley, performs an autopsy, finding a normal set of human internal organs.
 |
| Well what did you expect? Just because we’re all different on the outside doesn’t mean we all have to be different on the inside. God, I’m sick of your prejudices, Wilford Brimley. Also, easy with that claw, its not a lobster dinner! |
The group kennels the
doggie-boo with the station's sled dogs where it begins to metamorphose and
attacks them with an assortment of eyes, teeth, earthworm sprouts and
spaghetti feelers, which make a sickening sound like when when you drop a fully
unrolled metal tape measure on a ground a couple hundred times.
 |
| Arrrrrrrgh cute doggie Arrrrrgh arrrgh , my liver, arrrrrgh. |
Kurt Russell
calls
for a flamethrower. Because fire beats evil every time.
 |
| "I approve of this message" |
Keith David incinerates the creature, and Wilford Brimley does another autopsy, which leads him to
believe the creature is capable of perfectly imitating other life forms. The
Norwegians' records lead the team to a crater containing a spaceship they suspect
the creature came from. Its strange that they could read Norwegian, but they
couldn't understand the guy they shot who was screaming in Norwegian “Kill that Thing before
it eats your eyeballs and smooshes you
into a fine paste”.
 |
| We don't need continuity, we have a cool enough poster. |
Wildford Brimley becomes
suspicious of the others and withdraws, calculating that if the alien escapes
to a civilized area, all life on Earth will be eaten in a few years.
 |
| "Thing": Danger to the human race |
Meanwhile, the Thing, in all it’s thingy glory chew ups the scenery and a few of group and begins
imitating them, some partially only. The ones found out are quickly incinerated.
 |
| Um, wait I can explain, its just Alien Hand Syndrome. My hands just play air guitar of their own accord |
The group realize
Wilford Brimley is absent, just before Kurt
Russel sees his bloated body running
inside. They discover he has wrecked all the transport and killed the
remaining sled dogs. The team corners him as he is destroying the radio and the group partakes in a hilariously violent tables, axes and guns match.
Wilford Brimley: You guys think I'M crazy! Well, that's
fine! Most of ya don't know what's goin' on around here, but I'm damn well sure
SOME of you do!
Kurt Russel: Christ!
Now, Keith David, go around to the map room door. Talk to him.
Keith David: Yeah.
Wilford Brimley: [still smashing up the radio room with an
axe while yelling] D'ya think that thing wanted to be an animal? No dogs make
it a thousand miles through the cold! No, you don't understand! That thing
wanted to be US! If a cell gets out, it could imitate everything on the FACE OF
THE EARTH! AAAAND NOTHING can stop it!
Kurt Russell: Wilford Brimley, for a man of science I think
you might be dealing with this a little irrationally. Why not come out here and
we can thing of a plan to get rid of our Alien invader. Come on we need you
skills. What do You say?
Wilford Brimley: OOOOOOAAAAAAUUUUUGGHHHHHHUUUU!!! (Hits more
things with axes)
Keith David: Okay, Wilford Brimley. Come on, man, you don't
wanna hurt anybody. You kinda look like my old postman…
Wilford Brimley:
OLD???!!(fires Shots) I'LL KILL YOU! [fires more shots] This Postman always shoots twice!
 |
| Axe on, axe off |
The match ends
once Wilford Brimley runs out of bullets, the group then ram against him with a
wooden table which Wilford Brimley buries an axe in and
Kurt Russel clubs Wilford Brimley twice upside the head with his fist.
The group then locks Wilford Brimley in the tool shed.
 |
| Keith David didn't have time for bullshit |
Determined to
learn who is infected, they discover their blood stores have been sabotaged
before they can perform a blood-serum test the doctor recommends, and the
paranoid men begin to turn on each other. Because you know,
there was no possible way for them to get more of their own blood.
Kurt Russell,
being the environmental type, leaves the other guys to see why the lights were
left on at his private shack. He gets separated from the others and they begin to suspect he is now a Thing, barricading all the doors. However Kurt Russell suddenly breaks in through
a window and threatens to destroy the
station with a bundle of dynamite if they attack him.One of the group, Norris, has a heart attack. when the doctor
attempts to do some good ol’ defibrillation, his chest gapes open and closes
like a giant mouth full of teeth, biting off the doctors arms and killing him.
 |
| Sometimes my stomach has a mouth of its own |
 |
| Hi, so this is me. |
The head of the
Thing separates from the body, and lassos its way across the room using a whip
tongue.
 |
| Ladiiieeees.... |
It then sprouts
stalk eyes and crab legs like some hideous Crab, but no doubt, every bit as delicious.
 |
| It scuttles out of the room singing “Unda da sea” in a Jamaican Accent. |
Kurt Russell, not
being a fan of Cool Runnings or the Little Mermaid, incinerates the creature when it pokes its head out from under a hiding place.
 |
| Just run out the door, don't fart, don't fart, don't fart. Dammit |
Kurt Russell ties everyone up for a new test and explains his theory that every piece of the alien is
an individual organism with its own survival instinct that will react
defensively when threatened. One by one he tests everyone's blood with a heated
piece of copper wire.
 |
| That didn't prevent them cutting themselves with the same scalpel covered in each others blood though. |
All but one is still human, and this Thing transforms and
attacks the group, forcing Kurt Russell
to use the fire once more.
 |
| God, there was less use of fire in Backdraft. |
Leaving Keith
David on guard, the remaining groups go to test Wilford Brimley, only to find
that he has tunneled under the tool shed like some kind of naughty puppy. They
realize that Wilford Brimley is now the Thing and has been scavenging the equipment he
appeared to destroy in order to build a small escape craft in a half assed James Bond villain manner. The group decide to dynamite the complex hoping to destroy
the Thing, but most of the group is killed by the Wilford Brimley- Thing.
 |
| Rawr. I used to be Wilford Brimley |
Wilford Brimley
then transforms into a huge monster and
attacks, destroying the detonator, but Kurt Russell triggers the blast with a stick
of dynamite and the base explodes. Stumbling through the burning ruins, Kurt
Russell finds Keith David, who claims he got lost in the storm.
 |
| I dont really give a shit though |
Exhausted and
with no hope of survival, they acknowledge they could each be a thing,
and decide rather to share a bottle of scotch as the camp burns, because why
waste good scotch.
 |
| Just make sure zat you order scotch like ze Germans or you vill blow your cover |
Two Veg:
 |
| Doggie booshy boo! Whoooshoobooo! Who shoo boo boo shooo! |
The Norwegian's dog in the film was named Jed. He was a half wolf/half
husky breed. Jed, however, is not the dog seen in the beginning chase scene,
where the Norwegians are trying shoot him. This was another dog painted to look
like Jed.
.jpg) |
| Hee hee, no one will ever know the difference |
End
No comments:
Post a Comment