GMO
fruit makes fruit bigger yes, therefore there’s more to eat yum yum yum. Not
the bug repellent though. Food standards are on the decline anyway. I mean look
at the one time they advertised tomato sauce as having 36 tomatoes in one
bottle. Highly doubtful I say. I mean how you even fit one tomato through the
tiny opening on top.
This is the shit we have to deal with because of science
Moles are horrible, they burrow and eat all the veggies people plant.
Gingerism! Is that a thing now? I like Gingers I will not lie, but only if they have freckles and large bosoms.
Is there a point? No. There are two.
I don’t know if it would be awful not to have a shower- I mean you can always buy that shower attachment thing for the bathtub and pretend to have a real shower. Or if you lived in the bush, just tickle an elephant which just drank a lot of water. Well I wouldn’t bathe in the elephants pee.... I mean how does an elephant drink water – it snorts it up its "nose" right and then shoots it up its mouth? What if we could tickle it before it went down to the common ear nose and throat portion and then it would sneeze the water out on us dirty dirty humans. It may be a bit mucousy, but its better than bathing in pee right?
Just once do something useful, Babar
Jik is
toxic if you put it inside you. Don’t do that. People insides are meant to
look nice and shiny and red. Not that
I’ve ever seen a person’s insides. I mean I’m not one of those sick people that
that kill other people and then cut them up to see what their insides look
like. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Um. Yes Jik is toxic.The point is not what you do once you have killed someone, the point is the torment leading up to the killing. Much more fun. It just gets far too messy after that. And then you have this stinky body to deal with. How do you get rid of it? Acid? Cement blocks attached to the feet and a large lake? A blender? No, all pains in the neck. I would make a horrible serial killer because I am far too lazy.
I have only seen Dead Alive about a million times
For all your ear cleaning needs, I am informed that you shouldn’t use earbuds inside your ear. They just push all that waxy wax deeper into your ear canals anyway, which could lead to blockage and one day, ear amputation and a resulting loss of balance. They just cut your ears clean off. If you’re lucky, they cut off both, otherwise you’d just be walking in circles for the rest of your life. EARBUDS ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS! THAT’S A GODDAMM LIE! THOSE FUCKERS AT JOHNSON AND JOHNSON PULL THIS SHIT ALL THE TIME
I typed "Corporate evil"in google and this happened.
Be careful about old persons snoring and strange noises. If an old person ever makes them then leans over to you and says, “I would like to have your soul now”, you must immediately invoke the name of Hastur and tell him/her to lay down in his name. I read it in a book once.
Hastur the Unspeakable. But if you type it, its fine.
The only really gross TMI story I can think of is this: (be warned- avoid if you have just eaten.) So this one time I really needed to pee and my uncle, who was a bit of a drunk told me he knew of this bar in this really seedy part of Stanger which was close by. Now obviously we were nowhere close to home. And it was clear my uncle wanted to get something to drink, rather than stop so I could relieve myself on the side of the road. So off we go, into this bar with no lights and shady looking characters and I ask the guy at the entrance where the bathroom was. He points to a rusty door on the far side of the room while I’m standing there trying not to burst through my pants. I did the Charlston method across the room- which is frankly the only way you can move when you are in said position to avoid unnecessary leakage. I open the door. The smell hits me first. Just rank, damp, fungousy smells and stale air, there were no windows. There was one stall and the urinals had plastic bags around them. I open the door to the stalls and there appeared to be brown writing on the walls, it looked smeared on. Not only that, the worst part was the actual bowl. It was piled to the top with a mixture of chocolate mousse and lemon juice. I cant even say the actual words, because I feel like throwing up just thinking about it. So what does a boy do in this position? He pees, with his eyes closed and his shirt over his face trying to cover his mouth and nose. I grew impressive chest hair that night, but the nightmares only stopped after a few days.
Always always stand in front of something famous or nice looking and jump together as a group. That way when the photo is taken it will look like you and your friends are floating in mid-air. Years later when people look at the photo they will believe that gravity did not apply that day. It also does not look at all that you just jumped, it must be that you're sitting on invisible broomsticks. Yes that's it, we were all extras on the Harry Potter movie set, but when we got there we found out that the magic was real!!! OMG OMG, we were so happy, look at how happy we are because of our magic invisible broomsticks!!!!
Kill them before this idiocy is allowed to grow up with them
Make sure your friends are uglier than you.
2) Women
If you are a man and know of a woman and she has to get ready for a major event or function always ask her if you should get ready once she starts putting on her clothes. When she says yes, because she'll be ready in a short while, go on, young man, and get ready in ten minutes. Then go to your room and begin that new novel you've just bought. Perhaps start a bonfire. Learn sign language. Teach a tree to read. All these are viable alternatives to enjoy while said woman is getting ready.
A man getting dressed up
Now if you are a woman, the first thing you want to do for when you want attention and want to look nice for people to see you and like you, is to lay out the clothes that you want to wear the night before the event. The next step is to wait for five minutes before the event is about to start, and chuck your pre-arranged clothes in the laundry bin, because, it is not really what you wanted to wear. Next, rummage through your closet, throwing all the clothes that you do not want to wear out a nearby window or on the room floor. Once you have found something that looks vaguely decent, begin ironing the piece. Burn it in numerous places, making it look like the wedding gown of Robinson Crusoe's wife. Begin rummaging through the closet again and search through the clothes lying on the floor or outside for the one top that matches the skirt you found. Iron it carefully, impressive sweat dripping all over your face.
A woman getting dressed up. OH God! Not the jumping bullshit again.
Next, time for make-up. Take approximately 10 years to apply. Ignore shouts from the male in the house saying that you are already 2 hours late. Once make-up is done find suitable shoes. Apparently you have none. Curse male for not buying you shoes. Male does not hear because he has fallen asleep. Hit male with a random shoe. Realise the shoe you hit him with may go well with your outfit. You are ready.
3) Preparing food
When cooking for others, great care must be taken to ensure that food is visually appealing. 99% of the way food tastes is based on how it looks, after all. Make sure that you take a photo of your well prepared table layout for sharing to instgram or pinterest or some other shit you think may be fun. When cooking for yourself, you may in fact arrange all your food by dumping it into large paper bag, then placing the bag on your head while dancing and eating your way out of it.
Om nom nom
4) Blogs/websites
I acknowledge that my blog has a shit format. I acknowledge that I am too lazy to reformat it to make it look half decent or even to perform a spell check once in a while.I acknowledge that it is because of this that no one wants to pay me money for my posting on my blog. I acknowledge that I am too fucking lazy to any of that.
This is me, formatting blog posts
Therefore, hire someone to manage these aspects. Will I do that? No, because I acknowledge that I am too fucking lazy to do that also.
5) Your Facebook Account
Make sure you bombard everyone on your feed with one million photos, exactly, of yourself and your ugly friends eating out at a similar looking restaurant each week. Protip: reuse the same photo, if you in fact do not eat out each week, but change the background colour scheme. Insert a few pictures of yourself being drunk and laughing with your friends to show everyone that you are a fun person who has fun.
its TEH BEST NITE EVAR!!!!11!! Every single week
Make thought provoking status updates. For example you may wish to comment on an artsy movie you may have recently watched. You may say: "Wow that Son of God film sure was inspirational. The scenery was breathtaking. God is really great to have had a son like that". Be sure to intersperse your updates with little nuggets of racism and negativity just to show everyone that you are free spirited and are prepared to go against the tide once in a while. Society will love you more for it.
6) Your property
Buy the biggest fucking SUV you can find, not because you regularly travel off-road- although you do once in a while, because you're such an awesome person, but rather because of the safety aspect. See the little chevrolet, who wants to come over into your lane? Don't let him do it! Speed up to prevent his doing so, because if he does, he may suddenly brake or something and he may cause an accident. When you're in an SUV make sure you pay as little attention to the cars around you, because you can only do so much to keep yourself safe.
Correct usage of an SUV
Decorate your house in the most pretentious way possible. This is hugely important, as one only can derive self-respect from creating the most pretentious layout possible. Utilise woody textures incorporating furniture made at an ant farm in The Gambia, which was built using materials which the sculptor infused with his own bodily fluids to add a dash of authenticity.
Its like Picasso downed 3 bottles of Baileys and then threw up all over this room.
Floors should correctly be made out of the souls of slave children, and paintings handpicked by yourself from an independent artist down the road for five bob a piece. Hire an interior decorator who may promote your house on some insipid entertainment television show, presented by half-witted, talentless, braindead jocks and a token black person.
A group of strangers find themselves stranded in the middle of a severe rainstorm at a remote motel, run by Norbit Murphy. They are a limo driver; Axel Foley who is also an ex-cop, Officer Eddie Vampire, who is transporting a cannibal, Sherman Klump; Rasputia Murphy; a prostitute, Jiff Ramsey Murphy, a famous Hollywood actor, having notably starred in "Bowfinger" with Steve Martin, and Donkey Murphy, who`s son Mushu Murphy is distraught because Donkey has been hit by Axel's car.
Yes I had a son with my dragon wife. Whats wrong with that?
With both ends of the road completely flooded, the group prepares to spend the night; however, they quickly find there is an unknown murderer present, killing off each of the guests.
One man's quest to play every single role in a blockbuster film
Axel Foley is working on his car when Officer Eddie
Vampire and Sherman Klump , shackled and chained, pull up to the motel in their
police oldsmobile.
Axel: Well look at this now, an
officer and a half giant. What you in for big boy? You suck up a bus?
I will quip you to death, then shoot you
Officer Vampire: You got a phone here, the road's blocked
out up ahead, and I need to get this prisoner to the Richard Simmons home for
the incurably evil and the morbidly obese.
Axel: That sounds serious man, what
did he do, eat the rapid rail network?
Officer Vampire found that funny and composes himself before moving on
Officer Vampire: This man is responsible for the eating of
12 families' Christmas Dinners in one night. He went from house to house
through the chimney, like some deranged Santa and inhaled helpings of Roast
Turkey and Baked Potatoes. The last house he visited however was the scene of
horrific criminality. When he was done with Christmas Dinner, he ate the family
of Four for Christmas Desert and used their cat as a wet wipe.
Sherman Klump: I would have
gotten away with it too, if the police hadn't followed the trail of fart gas to
my apartment.
To be fair, he was really hungry
Officer Vampire: Shut up before I cut out your tongue and feed it to you. Klump: *licks lips at the thought* Axel : Anyway I just ran over a donkey or some such creature and punctured a tyre. The phones are out, and I'm trying to sort out this car, revive the donkey and just keep shit together generally. I might need some help. There's some other people inside too and they all look strangely familiar to me.
As the group approach the motel, they are greeted by Norbit Murphy, the owner of the motel, has been performing CPR on the somewhat indisposed donkey. It appears though that the Donkey had died some time ago as Axel quickly points out due to the fact that his body was rigid, that no pulse could be felt, and that he was not breathing.
I manage to over-act even in death.
A distraught Mushu Murphy has locked himself in a room of
the motel. Rasputia Murphy instantly focuses her attention on Officer Vampire.
Rasputia: How you doin' ?You
know, they say, the easiest way to a man's heart is through his pants?
Officer Vampire: Actually I prefer
going through the belly and under the ribcage.
Rasputia: ooooooooOOO you nasty.
Want to get freaky naughty with me?
Officer Vampire: What?
Rasputia: Want to land the
harpoon, sizzle the steak, grill the bacon? Oh yes I love me some food.
Officer Vampire: My dear we may have eternity for that. I
would also need to first find a blindfold.
Rasputia: I see you got a big car. You know,I love cars.
when I drive and inhale, my tities make the horn honk
Axel: Look I don't mean to
break you attempt breaking the Guinness world record for the quickest time in
making everyone throw up, but we have a body to bury.
How YOU Doin'?
After the group bury the body, they move off and settle down in various rooms at the motel, leaving Sherman Klump locked up in Norbit's office . Suddenly a piercing scream is heard, and Axel runs in its direction. He finds Norbit stuffed in a garbage bin, his back broken in several places.
When Dan Aykroyd offered you the role of Winston Zeddimore, you should have never turned it down. The man's crazy
The rest of the group arrives and Rasputia goes into
hysterics.
Rasputia:Oh my Lawd! He dead! He
dead! Bitch be dead! How Imma get my 10 dollars back now. Im gonna search his
pockets.
Officer Vampire: You will not
interfere with the crime scene.
Jiff Ramsey: Wat chu talking about
crime scene? Do you think he was murdered?
Axel: Obviously someone had to have
killed Norbit, Do you think he broke his own back?
Jiff Ramsey: Nah I'm not that
stupid, his arms couldn't reach to his back anyway.
Yes, yes he is that stupid.
Officer Vampire: I bet that fat fuck Sherman Klump had something to do with this.
The group race to find Sherman, but arrive to find he has chewed his way through his handcuffs and has eaten his way through the wall, leaving a Klump sized hole to the outside.
Basically this
Meanwhile Klump runs through the hills away from the motel, looking for a KFC only to be dumbfounded when he finds himself back at the motel. He enters the lobby, where Axel and Officer Vampire jump and beat him into unconsciousness. He falls into a coma thinking of chicken.
Heh heh heh. Nice dream
However, Klump is later found dead. Officer Vampire states this could have been due to a big ass heart attack. Axel points out however, due to the large knife hidden under one of Klumps fat-folds, that this was a second murder and that Klump couldn't have been the killer.
Big Tweest
By this time Rasputia has had enough, she grabs a spade in self-defence and swipes at anything that moves.
Axel begins to grow suspicious of the others, especially Officer Vampire, seeing as how he is a goddam vampire. Mushu Murphy then bursts out his room on hearing from Jiff Ramsey that his father, Donkey, was dead
Mushu had his mother's looks
Mushu runs towards one of the petrol stations with Jiff following him closely. As soon as the two are out of sight, the petrol station blows up, presumably incinerating them both (even though one of them was a dragon). The remainder of the group look on in terror. Rasputia runs off screaming random words ("Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch" most likely). While Axel and Officer Vampire now convinced that each other is the killer.
A massive teeth- bearing gunfight ensues which is represented by the pictures below:
Fuck you
No fuck you
Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch
The sparring Eddies come across the body of Rasputia who had miraculously, it seems , committed suicide, drowning herself in a shower.
We switch scenes to a formal looking setting. It is revealed that Eddie Muphy is a patient at a pyschiatric hospital who suffers from dissociative identity disorder. His doctor, Dr Wong,tells him that he harbors numerous distinct personalities within his mind, one of whom was responsible for a number of gruesome murders for which he has been committed to the hospital.
Wat you mean you want to see medical deglee?
Wong is able to bring forth one of Eddies personalities, Axel, revealing that the events at the motel are in fact occurring inside Eddie's mind; each personality being represented by one person at the motel. Wong explains that the killings at the motel are Eddie's mental attempts to eliminate excess personalities. Wong further gives Axel the mission of making sure that the hostile personality (i.e., the one responsible for Eddie committing his crimes) is eliminated.
Axel relates the story to Officer Vampire, and Officer Vampire promptly shoots Axel through the head, revealing he was faking being a police officer all along, and was transporting himself and fellow vampire cannibal Sherman Klump away from the police after an escape.
Two Tweeests!!
As Officer Vampire is packing up his things however, he wonders whether anything Axel had told him was true. He saw that he was the only person left alive at the motel, but he had never committed any of the murders that Axel spoke about. Clearly Axel was nuts, he thinks. At that moment a shadow looms over Officer Vampire as he is decapitated by a razor sharp bulb of garlic!
But riddle me this! Who could the person wielding such a dangerous instrument be?
Jiff Ramsey!
Jiff Ramsey! Who saw all the other personalities as standing in the way of Eddie Murphy's greatness!
Jiff Ramsey! Who had to eliminate them so that he could star in "Fake Purse Ninjas"
Jiff Ramsey! Who faked his own death to make sure he was the only Eddie left standing!
And Jiff Ramsey controls Eddie Murphy in the real world, goes on to strangle Dr Wong to eliminate evidence, escape the hospital, assumes his twin brother's IDENTITY (looooooool hows that use of words?) and be loved by the masses for making really shitty movies.
One may ask oneself the question, how much work should one be doing? If one is a prat this may be the way you phrased the question.
My philosophy is that I need the money so I do the work. Some other bright spark has said, for you to be comfortable in your workplace for the next 30 or 40 years, you need to enjoy what you are doing. Can you force yourself to enjoy something you really would rather not be doing. I sat through about half of the second Transformers movie, so, maybe? I used to go to Church for a bit, so maybe?
Unfortunately, unlike Church or Michael Bay, the work environment is not easily avoidable, and therefore you must adapt to it all, and especially the people. So far I have come across a number of types of people at my work place and I have found them to resemble wild animals to varying degrees. For your further reference and context, imagine a high pressure, corporate work environment. Lots of greywall, the indoor climate mimicking that of the South Pole due to a boss who leaks like a blender without a lid when hot, the sounds of photocopy machines giving birth to their hideous flat pale offspring, deadlines, coffee smells, and general dementia.
1) Jaded Bee
First we come across the jaded worker bee, who arrives really late at morning, and leaves really early in the evening, when he can escape the clutches of the firm. This type is powered by caffeine and multivitamins, and makes frequent smoke, vending machine and bathroom breaks whenever he can. Notice the droopy eyes, the hollow monotone utilized as a response to questions, the minimalist response to the weak jokes made by superiors, the slight hint of drool at the side of the mouth.
The smile is fake, because the eyes are dead
2) Eager Beaver Shitlord
We move offices to the eager beaver, the little shitlord who is keen to help in any way she can. Loved by everyone, she is so super keen to be a part of the firm to please the bosses by sticking her head so far up their collective anus she becomes intimate with the duodenum. However, she does very little actual work herself, most of the work being passed off to underlings, through her innate powers of delegation followed by her incessant "micro-managing". Beware, the shitlord also has a dark side. She will "cut you off at the knees" if you disagree with her. This side never shows when the boss is around though, so just be the guy mentioned in 3) below and you should be safe from her.
I love hairy beaver only sometimes.
3) The Sucker Fish
The guy always in other people's, especially the bosses office, asking the dumbest questions ever known to man. "What should I do with this pen? Once I am done with this pen, is there anything I should do with these files? If these files are open, what well happen if I close them?" The sucker fish deserves to be shot, or placed in stasis until scientists can finally investigate whether shock therapy can make a person grow a brain.
It must be weird to be a shark
4) Over-bearing Boss Dragon
Oh God, this guy. He breathes fire up your butthole. He makes you sweat in places you never thought possible. He's picking on you to make up for all the times he was never asked to play on the school playground. He's picking on you for all the times his mother hit him with a sieve to see if bits of him would powder off. He's picking on you for all the times someone looked at him funny. He's picking on you because he enjoys it.
Actual picture of me consulting with my boss
5) Loudmouth Frog
"I JUST WANNA SAY THAT YOU ARE WRONG"."I KNOW FROM MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, WHICH IS THE ONLY THING THAT ACTUALLY MATTERS, THAT I AM RIGHT AND YOU ARE MISTAKEN". "YOU SEE I NEVER MAKE MISTAKES, IT IS AN IMPOSSIBILITY FOR ME." "YOU ON THE OTHER HAND MADE YOUR FIRST ERROR WHEN YOU CHOSE TO BEGIN A CONVERSATION WITH ME." "I ANNOY EVERYONE I TALK TO BUT I DON'T KNOW IT". "EVEN IF I KNEW IT I DOUBT I WOULD CARE ANYWAY." "BECAUSE WHAT I SAY WILL ENRICH YOU LIFE AND THE LIVES OF YOUR CHILDREN, AND THE LIVES OF THEIR CHILDREN YET TO BE BORN." "I AM LOUDMOUTH FROG."
NOW I HAVE DONE WITH YOU, YOU MAY GO!
6) The Porpoise who pretends to know things, but is just hanging around hoping not to be fired
The most useless person ever. Has no job, plays solitaire on the computer all day, but is kept around mysteriously by management for no apparent purpose. What dirt does this one have on the brass that extends their longevity. No one knows, but it apparently is working. But the day will come when someone finally realizes that this most useless person actually has nothing to do. He has no porpoise, one could say.
Clearly I am the first person to have ever made that joke.
7) The Snake in Sheep's Clothing
The HR manager says to you, please let me know if anything is troubling you at our firm. anything you say will be kept confidential. You could say that the rooms are far too cold to work in, and what you can be guaranteed will go to the CEO (somehow) is that you wish that his mum contract cancer.
I wish there was a better picture on the internet.
Well, these are the revolting animals I have met so far. If you're ever thinking that you may need to find other employment, maybe you do. Certainly if you have critters like these scurrying around maybe a shotgun would also be an option.
Also, try to do as little work as physically possible.
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