Movie Mashup 5: Eddie Murphy is Everyone in Identity.

A group of strangers find themselves stranded in the middle of a severe rainstorm at a remote motel, run by Norbit Murphy. They are a limo driver; Axel Foley who is also an ex-cop,  Officer Eddie Vampire, who is transporting  a cannibal, Sherman Klump;  Rasputia Murphy; a prostitute, Jiff Ramsey Murphy, a famous Hollywood actor, having notably starred in "Bowfinger" with Steve Martin, and Donkey Murphy, who`s son Mushu Murphy is distraught because Donkey has been hit by Axel's car.

Yes I had a son with my dragon wife. Whats wrong with that?

With both ends of the road completely flooded, the group prepares to spend the night; however, they quickly find there is an unknown murderer present, killing off each of the guests.

One man's quest to play every single role in a blockbuster film

Axel Foley  is working on his car when Officer Eddie Vampire and Sherman Klump , shackled and chained, pull up to the motel in their police oldsmobile.

Axel: Well look at this now, an officer and a half giant.  What you in for big boy? You suck up a bus?

I will quip you to death, then shoot you

Officer Vampire: You got a phone here, the road's blocked out up ahead, and I need to get this prisoner to the Richard Simmons home for the incurably evil and the morbidly obese.

Axel: That sounds serious man, what did he do, eat the rapid rail network?

                                               
                        Officer Vampire found that funny and composes himself before moving on

Officer Vampire: This man is responsible for the eating of 12 families' Christmas Dinners in one night. He went from house to house through the chimney, like some deranged Santa and inhaled helpings of Roast Turkey and Baked Potatoes. The last house he visited however was the scene of horrific criminality. When he was done with Christmas Dinner, he ate the family of Four for Christmas Desert and used  their cat as a wet wipe.

Sherman Klump: I would have gotten away with it too, if the police hadn't followed the trail of fart gas to my apartment.

                                        
                                                      To be fair, he was really hungry

Officer Vampire: Shut up before I cut out your tongue and feed it to you.
Klump: *licks lips at the thought*
Axel : Anyway I just ran over a donkey or some such creature and punctured a tyre. The phones are out, and I'm trying to sort out this car, revive the donkey and just keep shit together generally. I might need some help. There's some other people inside too and they all look strangely familiar to me.

As the group approach the motel, they are greeted by Norbit Murphy, the owner of the motel, has been performing CPR on the somewhat indisposed donkey. It appears though that the Donkey had died some time ago as Axel quickly points out due to the fact that his body was rigid, that no pulse could be felt, and that he was not breathing.
                                             

                                                  I manage to over-act even in death.

A distraught Mushu Murphy has locked himself in a room of the motel. Rasputia Murphy instantly focuses her attention on Officer Vampire.

Rasputia: How you doin' ?You know, they say, the easiest way to a man's heart is through his pants?

Officer Vampire: Actually I prefer going through the belly and under the ribcage. 

Rasputia: ooooooooOOO you nasty. Want to get freaky naughty with me? 

Officer Vampire: What?

Rasputia: Want to land the harpoon, sizzle the steak, grill the bacon? Oh yes I love me some food.

Officer Vampire: My dear we may have eternity for that. I would also need to first find a blindfold.

Rasputia: I see you got a big car. You know,I love cars. when I drive and inhale, my tities make the horn honk

Axel: Look I don't mean  to break you attempt breaking the Guinness world record for the quickest time in making everyone throw up, but we have a body to bury.

                                       
                                                               How YOU Doin'?

After the group bury the body, they move off and settle down in various rooms at the motel, leaving Sherman Klump locked up in Norbit's office . Suddenly a piercing scream is heard, and Axel runs in its direction. He finds Norbit stuffed in a garbage bin, his back broken in several places.
                                               
When Dan Aykroyd offered you the role of Winston Zeddimore, you should have never turned it down.                                                               The man's crazy

The rest of the group arrives and Rasputia goes into hysterics.

Rasputia:Oh my Lawd! He dead! He dead! Bitch be dead! How Imma get my 10 dollars back now. Im gonna search his pockets.

Officer Vampire: You will not interfere with the crime scene.

Jiff Ramsey: Wat chu talking about crime scene? Do you think he was murdered?

Axel: Obviously someone had to have killed Norbit, Do you think he broke his own back?

Jiff Ramsey: Nah I'm not that stupid, his arms couldn't reach to his back anyway.

                                           
                                                  Yes, yes he is that stupid.

Officer Vampire: I bet that fat fuck Sherman Klump had something to do with this.

The group race to find Sherman, but arrive to find he has chewed his way through his handcuffs and has eaten his way through the wall, leaving a Klump sized hole to the outside.



              
                                                                Basically this

Meanwhile Klump runs through the hills away from the motel, looking for a KFC only to be dumbfounded when he finds himself back at the motel. He enters the lobby, where Axel and Officer Vampire jump and beat him into unconsciousness. He falls into a coma thinking of chicken.

                                         
                                                       Heh heh heh. Nice dream


However, Klump is later found dead. Officer Vampire states this could have been due to a big ass heart attack. Axel points out however, due to the large knife hidden under one of Klumps fat-folds, that this was a second murder and that Klump couldn't have been the killer.
                                                    
                                                                     Big Tweest

By this time Rasputia has had enough, she grabs a spade in self-defence and swipes at anything that moves.

                                                        

Axel begins to grow suspicious of the others, especially Officer Vampire, seeing as how he is a goddam vampire.  Mushu Murphy then bursts out his room on hearing from Jiff Ramsey that his father, Donkey, was dead
                                         
                                                      Mushu had his mother's looks

Mushu runs towards one of the petrol stations with Jiff following him closely. As soon as the two are out of sight, the petrol station blows up, presumably incinerating them both (even though one of them was a dragon). The remainder of the group look on in terror. Rasputia runs off screaming random words ("Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch" most likely). While Axel and Officer Vampire now convinced that each other is the killer.
A massive teeth- bearing gunfight ensues which is represented by the pictures below:
                                       
                                                                 Fuck you


                   
                                                                 No fuck you


                                   
                                                        Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch


The sparring Eddies come across the body of Rasputia who had miraculously, it seems , committed suicide, drowning herself in a shower.

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We switch scenes to a formal looking setting. It is revealed that Eddie Muphy is a patient at a pyschiatric hospital who suffers from dissociative identity disorder. His doctor, Dr Wong,tells him that he harbors numerous distinct personalities within his mind, one of whom was responsible for a number of gruesome murders for which he has been committed to the hospital. 

                               
                                       Wat you mean you want to see medical deglee?

Wong is able to bring forth one of Eddies personalities, Axel, revealing that the events at the motel are in fact occurring inside Eddie's mind; each personality being represented by one person at the motel. Wong explains that the killings at the motel are Eddie's mental attempts to eliminate excess personalities. Wong further gives Axel the mission of making sure that the hostile personality (i.e., the one responsible for Eddie committing his crimes) is eliminated.

Axel relates the story to Officer Vampire, and Officer Vampire promptly shoots Axel through the head, revealing he was faking being a police officer all along, and was transporting himself and fellow vampire cannibal Sherman Klump away from the police after an escape. 

                                                 
                                                              Two Tweeests!!

As Officer Vampire is packing up his things however, he wonders whether anything Axel had told him was true. He saw that he was the only person left alive at the motel, but he had never committed any of the murders that Axel spoke about. Clearly Axel was nuts, he thinks. At that moment a shadow looms over Officer Vampire as he is decapitated by a razor sharp bulb of garlic! 

                                                 
                    But riddle me this! Who could the person wielding such a dangerous instrument be?

                                               
                                                               Jiff Ramsey!

Jiff Ramsey! Who saw all the other personalities as standing in the way of Eddie Murphy's greatness!
Jiff Ramsey! Who had to eliminate them so that he could star in "Fake Purse Ninjas"
Jiff Ramsey! Who faked his own death to make sure he was the only Eddie left standing!

And Jiff Ramsey controls Eddie Murphy in the real world, goes on to strangle Dr Wong to eliminate evidence, escape the hospital, assumes his twin brother's IDENTITY (looooooool hows that use of words?) and be loved by the masses for making really shitty movies.

                             


The End
RB