How Much Work Should One Be Doing?

One may ask oneself the question, how much work should one be doing?  If one is a prat this may be the way you phrased the question.

My philosophy is that I need the money so I do the work. Some other bright spark has said, for you to be comfortable in your workplace for the next 30 or 40 years, you need to enjoy what you are doing. Can you force yourself to enjoy something you really would rather not be doing. I sat through about half of the second Transformers movie, so, maybe?  I used to go to Church for a bit, so maybe?

Unfortunately, unlike Church or Michael Bay, the work environment is not easily avoidable, and therefore you must adapt to it all, and especially the people. So far I have come across a number of types of people at my work place and I have found them to resemble wild animals to varying degrees. For your further reference and context, imagine a high pressure, corporate work environment. Lots of greywall, the indoor climate mimicking that of the South Pole due to a boss who leaks like a blender without a lid when hot, the sounds of photocopy machines giving birth to their hideous flat pale offspring, deadlines, coffee smells, and general dementia. 

1) Jaded Bee

First we come across the  jaded worker bee, who arrives really late at morning, and leaves  really early in the evening, when he can escape the clutches of the firm. This type is powered by caffeine and multivitamins, and makes frequent smoke, vending machine and bathroom breaks whenever he can. Notice the droopy eyes, the hollow monotone utilized as a response to questions, the minimalist response to the weak jokes made by superiors, the slight hint of drool at the side of the mouth.

The smile is fake, because the eyes are dead

2) Eager Beaver Shitlord

We move offices to the eager beaver, the little shitlord who is keen to help in any way she can. Loved by everyone, she is so super keen to be a part of the firm to please the bosses by sticking her head so far up their collective anus she becomes intimate with the duodenum. However, she does very little actual work herself, most of the work being passed off to underlings, through her innate powers of delegation followed by her incessant "micro-managing". Beware, the shitlord also has a dark side. She will "cut you off at the knees" if you disagree with her. This side never shows when the boss is around though, so just be the guy mentioned in 3) below and you should be safe from her.

I love hairy beaver only sometimes.

3) The Sucker Fish

The guy always in other people's, especially the bosses office, asking the dumbest questions ever known to man. "What should I do with this pen? Once I am done with this pen, is there anything I should do with these files? If these files are open, what well happen if I close them?" The sucker fish deserves to be shot, or placed in stasis until scientists can finally investigate whether shock therapy can make a person grow a brain.

It must be weird to be a shark

4) Over-bearing Boss Dragon

Oh God, this guy. He breathes fire up your butthole. He makes you sweat in places you never thought possible. He's picking on you to make up for all the times he was never asked to play on the school playground. He's picking on you for all the times his mother hit him with a sieve to see if bits of him would powder off. He's picking on you for all the times someone looked at him funny. He's picking on you because he enjoys it. 

Actual picture of me consulting with my boss

5) Loudmouth Frog

"I JUST WANNA SAY THAT YOU ARE WRONG"."I KNOW FROM MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, WHICH IS THE ONLY THING THAT ACTUALLY MATTERS, THAT I AM RIGHT AND YOU ARE MISTAKEN". "YOU SEE I NEVER MAKE MISTAKES, IT IS AN IMPOSSIBILITY FOR ME." "YOU ON THE OTHER HAND MADE YOUR FIRST ERROR WHEN YOU CHOSE TO BEGIN A CONVERSATION WITH ME." "I ANNOY EVERYONE I TALK TO BUT I DON'T KNOW IT". "EVEN IF I KNEW IT I DOUBT I WOULD CARE ANYWAY." "BECAUSE WHAT I SAY WILL ENRICH YOU LIFE AND THE LIVES OF YOUR CHILDREN, AND THE LIVES OF THEIR CHILDREN YET TO BE BORN." "I AM LOUDMOUTH FROG."

NOW I HAVE DONE WITH YOU, YOU MAY GO!

6) The Porpoise who pretends to know things, but is just hanging around hoping not to be fired

The most useless person ever. Has no job, plays solitaire on the computer all day, but is kept around mysteriously by management for no apparent purpose. What dirt does this one have on the brass that extends their longevity. No one knows, but it apparently is working. But the day will come when someone finally realizes that this most useless person actually has nothing to do. He has no porpoise, one could say.  

Clearly I am the first person to have ever made that joke.

7) The Snake in Sheep's Clothing

The HR manager says to you, please let me know if anything is troubling you at our firm. anything you say will be kept confidential. You could say that the rooms are far too cold to work in, and what you can be guaranteed will go to the CEO (somehow) is that you wish that his mum contract cancer. 

I wish there was a better picture on the internet.

Well,  these are the revolting animals I have met so far. If you're ever thinking that you may need to find other employment, maybe you do. Certainly if you have critters like these scurrying around maybe a shotgun would also be an option.

Also, try to do as little work as physically possible.

RB