How to make things look nice for when you want attention and want people to see them and like them

1) Taking photos 

Always always stand in front of something famous or nice looking  and jump together as a group. That way when the photo is taken it will look like you and your friends are floating in mid-air. Years later when people look at the photo they will believe that gravity did not apply that day. It also does not look at all that you just jumped, it must be that you're sitting on invisible broomsticks. Yes that's it, we were all extras on the Harry Potter movie set, but when we got there we found out that the magic was real!!! OMG OMG, we were so happy, look at how happy we are because of our magic invisible broomsticks!!!!

Kill them before this idiocy is allowed to grow up with them

Make sure your friends are uglier than you. 

2) Women 

If you are a man and  know of a woman and she has to get ready for a major event or function always ask her if you should get ready once she starts putting on her clothes. When she says yes, because she'll be ready in a short while,  go on, young man, and get ready in ten minutes. Then go to your room and begin that new novel  you've just bought. Perhaps start a bonfire. Learn sign language. Teach a tree to read. All these are viable alternatives to enjoy while said woman is getting ready.

A man getting dressed up

Now if you are a woman, the first thing you want to do for when you want attention and want to look nice for people to see you and like you, is to lay out the clothes that you want to wear the night before the event. The next step is to wait for five minutes before the event is about to start, and chuck your pre-arranged clothes in the laundry bin, because, it is not really what you wanted to wear. Next, rummage through your closet, throwing all the clothes that you do not want to wear out a nearby window or on the room floor. Once you have found something that looks vaguely decent, begin ironing the piece. Burn it in numerous places, making it look like the wedding gown of Robinson Crusoe's wife. Begin rummaging through the closet again and search through the clothes lying on the floor or outside for the one top that matches the skirt you found. Iron it carefully, impressive sweat dripping all over your face.

A woman getting dressed up. OH God! Not the jumping bullshit again.

Next, time for make-up. Take approximately 10 years to apply. Ignore shouts from the male in the house saying that you are already 2 hours late. Once make-up is done find suitable shoes. Apparently you have none. Curse male for not buying you shoes. Male does not hear because he has fallen asleep. Hit male with a random shoe. Realise the shoe you hit him with may go well with your outfit. You are ready. 

3) Preparing food

When cooking for others, great care must be taken to ensure that food is visually appealing. 99% of the way food tastes is based on how it looks, after all. Make sure that you take a photo of your well prepared table layout for sharing to instgram or pinterest or some other shit you think may be fun. When cooking for yourself, you may in fact arrange all your food by dumping it into large paper bag, then placing the bag on your head while dancing and eating your way out of it. 

Om nom nom

4) Blogs/websites

I acknowledge that my blog has a shit format. I acknowledge that I am too lazy to reformat it to make it look half decent or even to perform a spell check once in a while.I acknowledge that it is because of this that no one wants to pay me money for my posting on my blog. I acknowledge that I am too fucking lazy to any of that.

This is me, formatting blog posts

Therefore, hire someone to manage these aspects. Will I do that? No, because I acknowledge that I am too fucking lazy to do that also. 

5) Your Facebook Account

Make sure you bombard everyone on your feed with one million photos, exactly, of yourself and  your ugly friends eating out at a similar looking restaurant each week. Protip: reuse the same photo,  if you in fact do not eat out each week, but change the background colour scheme. Insert a few pictures of yourself being drunk and laughing with your friends to show everyone that you are a fun person who has fun. 

its TEH BEST NITE EVAR!!!!11!! Every single week

Make thought provoking status updates. For example you may wish to comment on an artsy movie you may have recently watched. You may say: "Wow that Son of God film sure was inspirational. The scenery was breathtaking. God is really great to have had a son like that". Be sure to intersperse your updates with little nuggets of racism and negativity just to show everyone that you are free spirited and are prepared to go against the tide once in a while. Society will love you more for it. 

6) Your property

Buy the biggest fucking SUV you can find, not because you regularly travel off-road- although you do once in a while, because you're such an awesome person, but rather because of the safety aspect. See the little chevrolet, who wants to come over into your lane? Don't let him do it! Speed up to prevent his doing so, because if he does, he may suddenly brake or something and he may cause an accident. When you're in an SUV make sure you pay as little attention to the cars around you, because you can only do so much to keep yourself safe. 

Correct usage of an SUV

Decorate your house in the most pretentious way possible. This is hugely important, as one only can derive self-respect from  creating the most pretentious layout possible. Utilise woody textures incorporating furniture made at an ant farm in The Gambia, which was built using materials which the sculptor infused with his own bodily fluids to add a dash of authenticity. 

Its like Picasso downed 3 bottles of Baileys and then threw up all over this room.

Floors should correctly be made out of the souls of slave children, and paintings handpicked by yourself from an independent artist down the road for five bob a piece. Hire an interior decorator who may promote your house on some insipid entertainment television show, presented by half-witted, talentless, braindead jocks and a token black person.

The End 

RB