How to make a nice Mutton Curry.... with Joe Pesci.

Note: this also functions as an actual recipe. 

Sip some wine, yous gonna need it

Hi, this is Joe Pesci. Now a lotta you guys dont know, but I'm a real fuckin' good cook, like a I-talian Gordon Ramsay, but less vulgar. Ask the guys they'll tell ya. Nothing beats my mamas cookin' tho, you disagree I'm gonna smash your teeth in. I'm gonna show you today how to make curry, because I ran out of pasta, and I've got a whole shitload of naan bread from a  Curry Heist down in Jersey.

They called it that coz hes an actual underboss- why else would it be a Curry heist?

Now usually I get Paulie to do all my prep work, but if ya wanna be a wiseguy-

THE FUCKIN' INGREDIENTS

• 500g mutton- fuckin' all cut into pieces coz they had it comin' to 'em.

Ya gotta to deal with your meat issues like a man.

• 1 medium sized onion only, don't put in too many onions ya' goon, how many onions you want to use?
• 2 grated tomatos- put them in a fuckin' vise if they give you any trouble, and squish 'em.
• 1 large potato cut into 4 or 8 pieces, more if ya gotta cook for 20 guys someday. If ya invite Clemenza, you gotta cook for 20 guys anyway.

Clemenza dont give two shits 'bout your starving family

• 2 sprigs of thyme, even though I dunno what a fuckin' sprig looks like.
• 4 leaves of spring onion, don't put in too many fuckin' onions.
• 2 sprigs of curry leaves, again with the fuckin' sprigs.
• 1 slit green chilli (remove seeds for a milder curry, but only a pussy does that, are you a pussy?)

Add more chillies if ya gonna cook for ya enemies. Keep your friends close and your enemies folded over

• 1 heaped teaspoon of ginger and garlic paste, coz Ginger's a good girl,

Ginger an' me in happier times

• If you don't got no paste you can crush up some real ginger and garlic, but you gots to have a good system for' slicing up the garlic. Use a razor blade, or ask Paulie if ya get stuck ya' degenerate.

Paulie's system for Garlic

• 1 aniseed, preferably your mother's.
• 1 black cardomom, don't forget it, prick.
• 1 stick of cinnamon, if you don't got one, ask your wife if she got one up her ass.
• ¼ teaspoon of mustard seeds, ¼ teaspoon of turmeric ¼ teaspoon of cumin seeds,¼ teaspoon fennel seed- measure out the quarters like your life depends on it, coz it fuckin' does,
• Oil, sunflower, not the mortar oil I was gonna fry up Kevin Mcallister in, the little brat,

You really wanna know why no one hears from this kid anymore?

• 1 heaped tablespoon of curry masala, rub it in your eyes to show you're a man.
• 1 teaspoon chilli powder, coz fuck your Mother.

Its the only response

• ½ teaspoon of mixed coriander and cumin powders.
• Fresh coriander finely chopped, just like Morrie was after he bust my balls too  much.

Except if his head comes off first.

• 1 bay leaf, ya' rat, your whole family is rats, and yous gonna be a rat too one day.
• 3 leaves of mint for taste coz yous want to be a classy.
• Salt to taste.

Its a piece of cake

THE FUCKIN' METHOD

Heat up the fuckin' oil in a pot big enough to fry some goons, then throw in the onions all chopped up, 1 sprig of thyme , 2 blades of spring onions, chillie, aniseed, bayleaf, cinnamon stick, cardomom , mustard seeds, and cumin. Fry the fuck outta that shit until you can see through the onions like you're a fuckin' eyeball doctor or something.

Moe Green needs a eyeball doctor, lemme tell ya

Add the masala, turmeric, chilli powder, cumin , coriander powder and mix it. Throw it on the guy behind you trying to put a bullet in your head. Redo steps 1 and 2, except for the throwing part, otherwise its gonna be a fuckin' vicious cycle for eternity, I ain't a philosopher, what do ya want.

Fuckin' throw it as soon as you feel the barrel

make sure you throw it over your head

Fry it up until it smells like fuckin' House of Curries. Add the ginger and garlic paste like a obedient little doggie, ya prick. When chopping up the mutton make sure the meat's tender. Like that one time I hit a deer and the thing's paw, um, what do ya call it, the hoof? The hoof got stuck on the car grill and me and the guys had to hack it off. Yeah that kinda meat needs tenderising, So ya take a baseball bat and just whack it over and over on the leg, shoulder, whatever meat ya got, just whack it. If ya got too much meat, just dig a hole and throw it in there- no ones gonna know ya wasted so much meat. What, you don't think I dug a hole before?

I couldn't find a good pic from that Baseball Bat  scene in Casino, so just take this one of my pal in The Untouchables

Add the mutton and mix well so that each meat is coated with the masala.  Throw in the salt. This meat's gonna smell good to any goons ya got hanging around, you just make sure they knows yous watching them.

Goons gotta eat, right?

Now that masala mixture's gotta be fresh. Like this one time I was trying to get into this girls pants, I told her "I fly stuff in fresh every day. I get bread from back home, I get fish from California, and you can always tell a great kitchen like ours 'cause of the milk-fed veal", Its the same with spices, ya hear? You should keep your spices in an airtight container, like a lunch or shine-box. Now on any given day if I don't have fresh spices? Then I have to go home and get my fuckin' shinebox. I ain't even mad.

I love my fuckin' shinebox

After the meat looks byooo-ti-ful and fried up, and the extra water's fucked off, add the grated tomato, and any loose onion pieces you see fallen down. Let that shit simmer for a bit then throw in the potato. Cook it up until the potato goes soft like Jake LaMotta's wasted body and the tomatoes melt. Cook it up until you feel it looks like a curry and then garnish the mother with freshly chopped coriander . Simmer until it smells like you're gonna be sitting on the toilet for a fuckin' year  from tomorrow morning. 

This is how it looks, ya mook

There ya go, this shit will feed your family, your fuckin' uncles's family, bring fuckin' froggy, your best friend, everyone can eat.

They'll be so happy

There's a good mutton curry recipe straight from the heart of Italy. You don't gots to go to that takeaway no more, I got ya covered. Coz you know you get to the takeaway and you see all those pictures and get delicious smells comin' out the wazoo. Then you make your order, and it tastes and smells nothing like what they advertised in the establishment. That's what they do though. They FUCK YOU in the takeaway, first they seduce you, then they FUCK YOU, and when they're done fuckin' you, along comes acid reflux and they FUCK YOU some more! They FUCK YOU at the takeaway, okay? They FUCK YOU at the takeaway! They know you're gonna be miles away before you find out you got fucked! They know you're not gonna turn around and go back, they don't care. So who gets fucked? Ol' Joe Pesci. Mother ....

They fuck ya, they fuck ya, they fuck ya... I should have a snickers.

RB

Sorry for the swearing so much. It was required