50 Shades of Dre

I wrote this, not having any idea of what 50 Shades of Grey was about, except that it had bondage sexy times in it between a dude and a coquettish woman , all normal like.  I have read the Wikipedia entry however, so I am more qualified and smarter than people who have read the “book”. Also, holy shit, this rubbish is a fucking trilogy. I blame the number three for all that is horrid in our world.

3 blind mice, 3 little pigs, 3 hobbits films. All those don't end well. The antichrist is amongst us.

So:

Dr Dre is a successful rapper, and record producer. He is also super buff, with all the man-muscles. Dre likes the finer things in life like cars, preferably Datsuns, and knock-off Rolexes.  Dre was also fond of interior decorating.  He was a proponent of Aristotle, who believed the two primary colours were black and white- that is light and its absence.

 

Aristotle

To this end, Dre installed in each of his sun facing rooms, high quality shades, to keep the sun out. It is said that in Dre mansions, there were 50 sun facing rooms.

The other character we have to talk about now is the female character in the book. She is a plain and average girl who must fit into the “everygirl” model so that readers can close their eyes and  imagine that they are her when they have to do the do with their fat/ugly boyfriends/ husbands/ bondage masters. Her name is irrelevant, but we will call her Danielle (“Dana”) Steele, who coincidentally is also the author of the book.

She has written other, similarly themed novels

In an amazing turn of events, Dre and Dana for some inexplicable reason notice each other, because they have so much in common.  Dre later sees Dana again when he goes to a local builders warehouse, and purchases lampshades. (This is not how life works, is it? I will only suspend disbelief if a book deserves it. To forward this bullshit plot? Fuck you, E L Jams. Your preserves, however, are delicious.)

This jam looks like when a lady has her period.

Dre asks Dana out for coffee. Dre and Dana go out for coffee. She learns many things about him. His favorite word is “bitch”, and she finds it cute that he also calls her “hoebag” on several occasions. She thinks he is “eccentric”. He says, “I ain't no hearts and flowers guy bitch”. She wonders  about what a guy bitch is and whether punctuation is really lacking in today's literature. She is also warmed that he writes her a poem.

It reads:

“Snoop Doggy Dogg paged, that must mean more hoes
So I head down the street to long beach
Just so I could meet, a freak
To lick me from my head to my feet
And I'm here, now I'm ready to be done up
Nothin' but homies around so I put my gun up
Bitches on my nuts like clothes
But I'm from the pound and we don't love them hoes”.

She is honored and slightly turned on. Dre informs her that she must sign a Non-disclosure agreement if she wanted the sexy times. Now as a lawyer, this part really excited me.

Fuck yeah, teh monies!

Actually...not really. I got bored reading the Wikipedia article. Literally a first for me.

I refuse to even try to satirise this idiotic book anymore. It feels like a cop-out on my part, especially as there are so many jokes to be made.  I mean, why is the idea of signing an agreement that stipulates that “there will only be sex and not love in our relationship" a basis for a plot? Is it pseudo-taboo to talk about doing that (note that prostitutes enter into these contracts all the time, verbally, with their clients), thereby making it somehow psychologically erotic and giving us all “ooooooooo” feelings.

Instead of reading an idiotic book, it is more effective to look at pictures of Jennifer Lawrence

Anyway cut all the bullshit …. She gets spanked, cries about it, and realizes she doesn't want to be spanked.  What a stupid hoebag.

Okay do it, do it. Ow stop stop, it hurts. (What the fuck do you think was going to happen?)

Dre goes on to become even more successful, even admitting his fetish by naming his product line after it. 

Still a better love story than twilight. Maybe.

I  give up. 

RB