Love: A Bollywood Love Story about Love that I Lovingly Made Up

A simple village boy named Krish goes about his daily chores milking catfish and dusting elephant"s hooves (quick check of wikipedia to see if elephants have hooves, they actually have feet, who would've thought?).

Krish. For those of you who don't know, this guy is the Bollwood equivalent of Bruce Campbell and Superman, in one person.

He spies a young water maiden named Simi busy washing her hair in the filthy filthy river.

Check out that BADONKADONK

He thinks its time for song: which goes to the tune of this song:

                            

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH, LLLLLAAAALLLAALALALALLAALLLAA

Maybe I can put some shampoo in your haaaaaaaair, 

Let me lather up and wash it away from theeeeeeere, 

Maybe you can do the same thing for meeeeeeeeeeeeeee?

Then we can go back to my house for teeeeeeeeea.

By tea I mean a little bit of funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Coz there are too many eyes in the sun un nun nun nun nun.

I think there's a turd stuck on your leg.

She sings back in the most high pitched voice you can think of together with a whole group of water maidens who emerge out of the dirty slime covered waters. Seriously its so high pitched bats crash into her and dogs catch and eat their own behinds in excitement:

Simi:

Maybe I would like to but I am so coyyyyyy

You want to play with me but I'm not a toyyyyyy,

Also my father is a very evil mannnnnnn

Touch me and he will cut off your hand dand dan dand dand dand.

I'm so coy, heeheeehheeheeeheheheehehehehe.

All the while the background dancers were doing the intricate dance of their peoples:

I whip my hair back an' forth, I whip my hair back an' forth....

Krish goes on the Indian version of "Who wants to be a Millionaire" (AKA "You vant be millionaire?")

wins one million rupees and suddenly the water maiden wants to be all up in his shit. They dance and sing in a rain drenched forest to the tune of this song:

Simi: 

Big Spender! Spender of the big! Buy me everything you can! 

Big Spender! Spender of the big! Buy me everything you can!

Jump with me behind this tree and I will show you my cans.

Now wiggle wiggle twice to the left, Wiggle wiggle twice to the right.

This dance is really really easy.

But there's another we will do at night.

Krish:

Big Spender! Spender of the big! I will buy you everything I can! 

Hey! Big Spender! Spender of the big! I will buy you everything I can!

I will jump with you behind this tree so I can see your cans.

Let's pretend that we are bees as we run from tree to tree, 

I will pollinate your sac, if you let me touch your rack.

It was a beautiful love story.

The dreaded father however finds out about the rain dancing and vows to kill Krish for defiling his daughter.

Somebody called and said they needed a villain? I' haven''t blinked since the call.

Being the police chief/mayor of the town, he orders a hit on Krish and like 50 guys show up to beat the piss out of him. Krish dies after a valiant effort with the villain firing a single shot through Krish's heart, breaking it. The villain however tragically loses some of his hair,

This is what you get for bringing an electric shaver to a gun fight.

The villain smacks his daughter around for being a rain-ho and locks her up in the police station until she learns how to dance like a dignified young lady. Massive amounts of sad violins then commit ear-rape on all viewers.

A mad scientist however digs up Krish's body and Robo-cops him back to life. He is now a heavily overpowered Guy-borg and he proceeds to the mayors office  to open barrels of ass whoop.

This may be just enough guns.

He proceeds to kill indiscriminately much like the shit version of Superman in "Man of Steel".

I don't care who I pop, because once I pop, I can't stop

With all henchman and ten times more civilians lying dead on the streets, Krish runs up to confront the villain. He finds our villain standing alone, with a new head of hair and just a sword. The villain challenges him to a sword fight to prove he is the one for his daughter.

"Ready bitch?"

"Ya"

The fight is brutal and vicious with our hero winning only once the villian runs out of breath and collapses under the physical strain, but not before wounding our Guy-borg hero.

Stop calling me Kano. I don't even know what Mortal Kombat is.

He busts Simi out of prison  by rolling into the cell and escapes with her on his motorcycle. She, nonplussed by the death of her father, goes with him. 

I need to pee. 

The movie ends on a happy note with no one remembering the wanton destruction and heartache caused and Simi falling pregnant and giving birth to a toaster. 

They sing a final song as the credits roll (It rhymes in  Hindi, so there):

And I- yie -I  will always love you

because i feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes.

Once more, you open the door and I know my heart will go on.

Coz were living in a world of fools, breaking us down 

and you're my best friend, ooh you make me live.

THE END

RB