Carlito's Disarray (Carlito's Way,1993)

This is a review of the Al Pacino film, in case anyone was wondering. Al Pacino is… Carlito Brigante and he wants to leave the gang life in his own way, hence the title. Al Pacino favours long, long monologues in this film. In the opening scene, he gives us one after he has been shot, and he apparently is flashing back to the life he lived, but just for a few months….

Its 1975, and Al Pacino has served 5 years of a prison sentence, and he is freed by Jewish friend and  Lawyer Sean Penn, who has a wicked Jewfro and Harry Potter shades which is not intended to be satire of any class culture or creed.

It looks like his scalp ate a badger

Al Pacino vows in front of the presiding judge that he is through with criminal activities. The speech goes something like this.

“Judge, lemme tell you on this day that you sir are lookin’ at a changed Man. I have been reborn. A’ Like ah-Lazarus wakin’ from the dead, Carlito is through with his ah-criminal activit-teees. I would just like to thank the lax ah-criminal justice system, and my lawyer Sean Penn-uh for doing what lawyers do best. Carlito Brigante is a free man, wha’ chu gonna do judge-o?”

This was before his acting methodology consisted of loudly yelling at everything.

Despite his promise above, not 10 minutes later in the film, he gets roped into killing a few scummy gangsters who murder his cousin by neck slices. He takes $30,000 from the scene of the killings and uses it to buy into a nightclub owned by a fat gambling addict named Saso (pronounced Saaaassso by Al Pacino throughout the film). Al Pacino intends on saving $75,000 to retire to the Caribbean.

Carlito declines a business partnership with an ambitious, young gangster "Benny Blanco from the Bronx" (as if there were any other Benny Blancos, maybe a Benny Blanco from Boston, or a Benny Blanco from Bosnia).

Benny Blanco from the Bahamas ( you know because of the shades)

Carlito rekindles his romance with former girlfriend Gail, a ballet dancer who moonlights as a stripper and writhes suggestively to the Bee Gees and Joe Cocker (as we all do). She is soon made pregnant by la latino heat.

As I watch you from under this dustbin lid, my loins are wetted. That may just be the rain though.

An old friend, Lalin (pronounced as “Lahleeeeen”, (did I mention the main characters in this movie are Hispanic?)) and played by Aragorn son of Arathorn, is released from prison and now confined to a wheelchair after a vicious barfight with a rebel hobbit gang. Aragorn comes to see Al Pacino, but is caught wearing a wire.  Carlito smacks him upside the head with the back of his hand. 

And I had sex with Arwen while you were  at the Caves of the Dead.

Aragorn explains himself by saying:

Aragorn : Look what I got! I mean look at me! You got everything, man! Come on! Look what I got to fucking go around with, fucking diapers, man! I shit my pants every day, man! I can't walk, I can't hump... you know? Go ahead and kill me, you COCKSUCKER!

Except he pronounces it “Corqusuccour”- my favourite Hispanic pronunciation in the film.

Carlito realises that the popo want to put him back in the bighouse. After Sean Penn decides to file his  class action with Benny Blanco from the Bronx’s girlfriend, ie,after he knobs her,  Benny's frustration with being rejected  by Al Pacino boils over and he confronts Al Pacino. The following priceless exchange takes place:

Benny Blanco (from the Bronx): I don't know, but there may be some mis-fuckin'-understanding, I don't know man, but maybe you don't remember me, my name is Benny Blanco...

Al Pacino: Maybe I don't give a shit. Maybe I don't remember the last time I blew my nose either. Who the fuck are you, I should remember you? What, you think you like me? You ain't like me motherfucker. You a punk. I've been with made people, connected people. Who you been with? Chain-snatching, jive-ass, maricon motherfuckers. Why don't you get lost? Go ahead, snatch a purse. Come on, take a fuckin' walk.

I put my palm in yo face you sunnuhvabitch

Sean Penn, now coked out of his mind, pulls out a gun and threatens to kill Benny Blanco (from the Bronx). Luis Guzman, Carlitos friend and bodyguard, roughs Benny Blanco from the Bronx up but Al Pacino decides to show mercy and lets him live.

You know whats more dangerous than a Jewish Lawyer? A Jewish Lawyer with a gun!

I let you live because I like your mustache

Sean Penn, after having stolen one million dollars in payoff money from his Italian mob-boss client, Anthony "Tony T" Taglialucci, is coerced into providing his yacht to help Tony T break out of prison. Al Pacino agrees to help him.  Shit goes wrong and coked up Penn bludgeons Tony T to death and kills his son. Al Pacino is furious that someone is going to find out about the killings and come after him,  but Sean Penn assures Al Pacino that no one will ever ever ever find out. Despite this, Sean Penn is stabbed almost immediately after this incident.

Sean Penn you dumbass mother...!

Carlito soon finds out that Sean Penn wanted to rat Al Pacino out to the popo,and the popo, played by James Rebhorn asks Al Pacino to give them Sean Penn and he will be absolved.

Wouldn't he make a good Mr Burns in a live-action Simpsons movie?

Not just "good" dear boy, rather say "Excellent"

Al Pacino refuses and instead visits Sean Penn in hospital and removes the bullets from Sean Penns protection gun and tells him he won’t kill him. Like a second later, Sean Penn is shot in the head by Tony T’s other son. Clearly this movies might have something to do with the theme of trust, right, or am I missing something?

Al Pacino realises he has to take his money and Gail and Al Pacino Jr and run. However some associates of Tony T plan on killing Al Pacino. They chase him through an entire railway station. Well all except this guy who can barely make it into his pants each morning:

Breathe, just breathe, then your reward is a donut.

Carlito escapes and is almost home free when he is ambushed by a disguised Benny Blanco (from the Bronx), who shoots Carlito several times in the abdomen with a silenced gun.Luis Guzman confesses to Al Pacino that he sold him out to Benny Blanco from the Bronx, only to be shot as well. Again the theme of trust?

"I kill you because I cannot grow a beard like yours". This movie is all about facial hair.

Gail, being a woman, starts crying and Al Pacino gives her the money and tells her to escape with their unborn child and start a new life elsewhere. As he is wheeled away on a gurney, Al Pacino stares at a billboard with a Caribbean beach and a picture of a woman. The billboard comes to life in his mind, and the woman, who is clearly Gail, starts dancing the macarena as he slowly passes away.

But not before he delivers one last monologue: 

Sorry boys, all the stitches in the world can't sew me together again. Lay down... lay down. Gonna stretch me out in Fernandez funeral home on Hun and Ninth street. Last of the Moh-Ricans, Pushing up the daisies, Six feet under, going in for the long sleep, ceasing to be. Can't come with me on this trip. Getting the shakes now, last call for drinks, bars closing down... Rough night, tired baby... Tired... I am an ex-Parrot… Blerrrgh.

(HE DIED)

The film could have done with more Monty Python references.

The End

RB