Gladi-h8r (Gladiator, 2000)

WE PRESENT...... GLADIATOR!!!! Also, my heart stopped. HNNNNNGGGG!!!!

Russel Crowe is… Maximus Decimus Meridius, aka the Spaniard, aka Gluteus to the Max, aka Swish Swipe Slash Motherfucker (down the Southside (of Rome)).

Yeahhh Boyeeee!

Russel Crowe helps the original Dumbledore, Richard Harris defeat the about 3 busloads of Germanic hordes by twirling his sword into every thing he could find on the battlefield. Also he cut a lot of people with his sword. Joaquin ("Wakeen" to anyone who’s wondering how to pronounce that) Phoenix who happens to be the original Dumbledore’s son (Should have called him Fawkes Phoenix, amirite?!!), shows up late to battle claiming his wrist-sundial  needed new batteries. Wakeen later proves his love for his father by smothering him to death with his bosoms. Apparently Wakeen was pissed that his father did not want him to be the next Emperor of Rome and Wakeem took this personally.

i will prove to you that I am a good son by killing you.

Upon hearing that Russel Crowe had the favour of Richard Harris, Wakeen orders his death James Bond Style- not physically being present at his death, but allowing it to be performed by woefully inept henchmen who belong to the Holy Order of the Easily Despatched. Russel Crowe uses the henchmen as dartboards and sword sharpeners and then races home to his wife and child before Wakeem’s men arrive to murder them by horse-crushings, snoo-snoo and hanging. However he is injured and cannot ride his horse and navigate his GPS at the same time without stopping to rest.

Ahhh my home, the land smells of fresh manure and the air, of methane.

He arrives home too late and drools uncontrollably on his wife’s feet. Why? Fetish perhaps.  Somehow he manages to dig two graves, get the bodies down and cover the graves before collapsing showing a slight inconsistency on his level of tiredness and injury in the previous scene.He is found in a heap the next morning by a wandering slave trader, Omid Djalili.

Hey Guys!!! Omid Djalili was in Gladiator!- useless trivia

Another slave, Djimon Hounsou, tends to his wound and smacks his hand away when he tries to pick off the maggots that now infest it. "No they will clean it", he says.

Don’t you have some Dettol or something? I'd rather lose the arm. Eaghuuuaagh! *Shivers uncontrollably*

Russel Crowe is bought for Rome Gold by Proxima and trained to be a gladiator. Initially he refuses to fight, being stricken by grief and all, but soon must fight when he is chained to Djimon Hounsou and attacked by large meaty men in leather. It was like a scene from Priscilla Queen of the Desert more than anything else, except with less terrifying imagery.  Russell Crowe Skillz that Killz the shit out of everything that needs to be killed.  He later kills more meaty men single handedly and he screams out his immortal line while a procession of backup dancers pop up out of the woodwork:

 

 Let meeeeee entertain you!!!- Robbie Williams. And the answer is no. 

Meanwhile Wakeen has a debate with the Roman Senate on matters affecting the people. He proposes to the Senate that he will hold all the citizens dying of the plague to his bosoms, as he is their father. He clearly has a fetish for death hugs.

This movie is all about fetishes.

The gladiators have their first battle in the Colloseum.  Proximo's team is put in a match with bad odds, Russel Crowe and his teammates are on foot, armed with spears and shields, against force of mounted fighters and archers on chariots. Russel Crowe leads his group to victory in a dazzling display of leadership that required minimal shouting, minimal near nakedness and minimal slow motion sequences. Heard that Zac Snyder?

You may think this film is good, but you would be wrong

Wakeen comes down personally to congratulate Russel Crowe on his victory, whereupon he reveals himself to Wakeem thusly:

"My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to the TRUE emperor, Marcus Aurelius.

Father to a murdered son,

Husband to a murdered wife

Planter of an eroded rice paddy

And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next."

 

 When you stepped on and eroded my land, you really put your foot in it.

Fuck. Never mess with the land

Wakeen tries to have Russel Crowe killed by paying Shao Khan, a former undefeated gladiator, to come back and fight Russel Crowe.

 

They told me to "Finish him"

During the match, Colosseum staff approach Russel Crowe from behind, holding tigers by the leash, in order to put Russel Crowe at a disadvantage. 

I will stab a tiger if I have to I don't give a shit

Against all expectations, Russel Crowe still wins, but he spares Shao Khan’s  life and is declared by the crowd as "Maximus the Merciful", angering Wakeen.

If you spare my life I will reward you by putting on a shirt. And a bra.

Meanwhile Senate leaders and Wakeen's sister hatch a plan to oust Wakeen for being such a putrescent worm. Wakeen, however, suspects a plot against him, and forces his sister to confess it by threatening to kill her son, a snow owl. 

He grew up to be owned by Harry Potter.

Praetorians close in upon the gladiator quarters while Russel Crowe escapes. The guards kill most of the remaining gladiators except Djimon Hounsou for some reason. Russel Crowe is captured a short while later, because, while being a good gladiator he is not a good stealthiator.

The only stealth I know is loud stealth!

Wakeen, desperate to get Russel Crowe out of the way and to restore his own glory, arranges to duel him. Before the fight begins he stabs Russel Crowe in the chest which makes him severely weakened. 

I've also stashed some medical marijuana in your pants, so I will get you for something eventually.

During the fight, Russel Crowe still manages to dodge Wakeen’s blows and disarm him. He loses his sword and the guards surrounding the battle refuse to give him another one. He produces a hidden dagger-ette, but Russel Crowe, recently becoming fluent in the ways of shivs to the back, turns the blade back into Wakeen’s throat, killing him.

...and he aeroplane goes into the throat.

Russel Crowe succumbs to the stab wound and dies, (Yay, it’s a double K-O) asking with his last words that the Roman Republic be restored and that the slaves be freed.

 

He also asked for a couscous salad but he didn't have time to eat it.

As he dies, he has a vision of walking through a field of grain toward his mannish wife and sickly looking son.

Ewww

Some time later, Djimon Hounsou revists the Colosseum at night, and he buries Russel Crowes' two small figurines of his wife and son (that I hadn't mentioned before) at the spot where he died. He says “I’m really lucky Oliver Reed passed away, so I could have the final lines in this film”.

I'll also never forget the day you let me use you as a shield.

Two Veg.:

Antonio Banderas was considered for the role of Maximus. It would have gone something like this:

Antonio Bannnnnnnderas.

"Are jooo not enterrrtained?

I am Maximoos Decimoos Meridiooos

Father to a merderd sorn,

Hoosband to a merederd sexy sexy wyaf

And I weeel haf my venshanz, in theees life orr the nex.

Jeeehssss"

END

 RB