Movie Mashup 4: Wolverine and Batman in The Prestige

Michael Caine performs a trick for a young girl - 

"Its not a trick, its an ILLUSION! Tricks are something whores do for money!"- straight from Arrested Development.

Michael Caine says :

Every great magic trick consists of three parts or acts. The first part is called "The Pledge". The magician shows you something ordinary: a blow up doll, a newt or lobster thermidore. He shows you this object. Perhaps he asks you to inspect it to see if it is indeed real, unaltered, normal, well cooked. But of course... it probably isn't. And we have no wine.

This lobster was fished out of Jayne Mansfield's bum. Look it up.

The second act is called "The Turn". The magician takes the ordinary something and makes it do something extraordinary. Now you're looking for the secret... but you won't find it, because of course you're not really looking. You don't really want to know. You want to be fooled. But you wouldn't clap yet. No one claps when you don't have wine.

Because making something disappear isn't enough; you have to bring it back. That's why every magic trick has a third act, the hardest part, the part we call "The Prestige".

The movie hasn't even started and already we've heard a lifetime's worth of Cockney.

Our movie begins when Illusionist Batman is sentenced to death for the murder of rival Wolverine by drowning him in a water tank during one of Wolverines’ performances.

Are you watching closely?

Flashing back to the past, the pair were working acquaintances building their magical repertoires. One night, they observe an elderly Asian magician who is able to make a large fishbowl appear seemingly from nothing from under his dress robes. Batman realizes that the man's supposed frailty is part of the act and comments that true magic requires commitment and sacrifice.

He hides it in his rectum and expels it when required! Brilliant! That’s why he walks like that! I truly am the world’s greatest detective! Also, Check out my music!

Wolverine’s wife drowns during a performance of a water escape ILLUSION  and for which Wolverine blames Batman  who professes not to remember if he had tied her with a standard knot or using Bat-glue.  Batman acquires the silent but deadly Bernard Fallon as his ingénieur while Wolverine appropriates Michael Caine  (played by Alfred Pennyworth)  and assisted by the lovely Black Widow.

Best magic ever.

Batman meets and marries Sarah and they have a daughter inspiring Wolverine’s jealousy and anger. The two begin a schoolyard tit for tat vendetta. Wolverine sabotages Batman’s bullet catch ILLUSION, costing Batman two bat-fingers after a wild claw swipe. Batman then ruins Wolverine’s Bird Cage ILLUSION, crushing a fat audience member’s sausage like fingers, killing the bird, and damaging Wolverine’s reputation.

But at least I'm still a fabulous showman!

Batman soon begins performing an impressive ILLUSION called The Transported Man, where he enters one cabinet and exits another across the stage a second later. Michael Caine insists that Batman is using a double, an answer which Wolverine refuses to accept. Nevertheless, Wolverine begins performing The New Transported Man using a double but becomes increasingly frustrated at having to end up below the stage while his double receives the adoration of the crowd.

It was also murder having to find another set of yellow spandex

Wolverine is still not satisfied, and sends Black Widow to discover Batman’s secret, but she betrays him. Batman once again sabotages Wolverine on stage, causing him to break his leg, and not in the good way. It healed in 5 seconds but he played the broken leg angle for crowd sympathy.

Its not all bad though because my wang is about this big.

Black Widow delivers an encrypted diary to Wolverine which supposedly contains the secret to Batman’s trick illusion. Wolverine  and Michael Caine kidnap Fallon to force Batman to give them the key to the diary. Upon learning that the key is "Tesla", Wolverine travels to meet with Nikola Tesla, who is played David Holy Goddam Bowie, and enlists the inventor to make a machine which will allow him to truly perform the trick illusion.

"Nothing is impossible, Wolverine. What you want is simply expensive. I  will put on lipstick if you wish.

Bowie creates a machine for Wolverine that creates and teleports to another location whatever is placed inside it. Wolverine returns to London, ELECTRIFYING audiences with The Real Transported Man, vanishing within the machine and reappearing at the back of the hall like some kind of Superhero.

Meanwhile, Sarah, being a woman, is never happy with Batman and eventually hangs herself.  Batman, apparently not interested in the death of his wife, obsesses about how Wolverine is performing the Real Transported Man and sneaks backstage during a performance to discover Wolverine drowning in the locked water tank which leads to him being found guilty for MURDER, because LAW said so.

We're all tired of your Bullshit, Batman.

Following Batman’s execution, Michael Caine learns that Wolverine is somehow alive and has taken in Batman’s daughter into his care and bought all his ILLUSION materials. One evening, after Michael Caine leaves the theater where Wolverine is practicing,  Batman drops down onto Wolverine, accidentally slicing his head off with a loose batarang. Batman, intending to conceal the act, starts a fire.

I accidentally his head

Batman tells the dying Wolverine that there were two Batmen, or that it appeared so, as his good friend Tommy Elliot, also known as Hush, rearranged his body to be identical to the real Batman and they shared their lives on stage and off. Hush removed the ends of his own fingers to duplicate Batman’s injury and the two shared lovers to maintain the illusion of being a single bat. The only way to tell the difference was that  Hush was vegan and loved imitating bumblebees.

Can you guess which was which?  asked the Riddler.

Wolverine, dying, reveals the key to his ILLUSION. He prompts Batman to open up the machine where he finds a severely emaciated Nightcrawler powering the device. Batman  carries Nightcrawler out, but before he can return, the building is consumed by the fire leaving nothing but ash. At the end of the film, Michael Caine repeats the trick of vanishing the bird for the delight of the little girl. This time, Batman appears to reclaim his daughter and Michael Caine vows to be his butler and servant in the house that Wolverine built.

Cuppa' tea guvnah? You shit'ead

Epilogue by Bane and Bat (To be read in Bane’s and Bat's voices for full effect)

Hello! My name is Bane.

Bane: "Yes Batman. I will now relate a theory floating around on the inter webs. Batman, are you listening Batman?"

Batman: Grrr "Ya"

Bane : "You yourself had your own Pledge, Turn and Prestige. You pledged to the good people of Gotham City to protect them from the horrors it harbors in Batman Begins. In The Dark Knight, you then foiled the plot of the Joker so hard, that Heath Ledger didn't survive it in real life. You then took the blame for the atrocities committed, your disappearing act, your Turn. I then broke your back but somehow you still managed to return and defeat me in Rises- the Prestige."

Batman : (Growling) "Your voice is silly."

Bane: "Yes Batman, I know it is, it is a satirical comment on how silly your voice is."

Batman: "Grrrr, how about I remove that mask for you, bald guy with accent of no fixed abode?"

Bane : "That would be extremely painful…

Batman: "You bet."

Bane:…..for youuuuuuuuu."

Batman: "Oh no he didn't."

END

RB