Maniac Depression 3: Lord Voldemort

Enter the offices of the Doctor, therapist to the supernatural, the murderous, and the mildly pissed off.

For Maniac Depression is touching their souls.

Can you see the light in my eyes? Or has it left?

Doc : Hi ‘”He who must not be named.” How are you today?

LV: Don’t call me that, I will torture your entire family! I would put the Cruciatus curse on you right now if they  didn’t make me leave my wand at the Asylum of Magic's vault.

Doc : (pulls out concealed wand and mutters clearly) Obliviate!

Doc : Hi Dark Lord, How are you today?

LV: Doc ? How did I get here?I Don’t know Doc I feel really light headed.

Doc: You’re here on your weekly visit from the Asylum of Magic, you were dropped off by a passing flying tea cosy. I suspect all that travel gave you temporary memory loss.

LV: Well, if you say so, Doctor.

Doc: Well what seems to be HEXING you today? hahaha.

LV: Good one Doc. same old, same old. My corns hurt, theres nothing good on Magic TV, my cooking hasn’t improved, but really, theres only one thing that preoccupies my time, day in day out, festers in my mind, tormenting me….that fucking Harry Potter! ARRRRRGHH!!! OOOOOOOH OOOOOH OOOOHHHH.

And also, NYAAAAAAAAAGH!!

Doc : Now Dark Lord, I thought we were making progress with your anger. Just try to breathe and then we can begin.

LV: (sobs quietly) I hate my face.

Doc :  That's a new one. Surely not, this reptilian visage you worked so hard to create?

LV: People call me White Michael Jackson when my back is turned. Or just Michael Jackson, same thing, really. They took it up a notch too, they call me Dark Michael Jackson sometimes, you get it, because he was so bleached, and I'm the Dark Lord.

Doc: I don’t think your face is that bad. I mean, you  don’t look so much snakelike, as you do an egg that someone pierced breathing holes in, but it works, you know, and I heard the look is really catching on with the alternative crowd.

LV: Really? There's a subgroup that’s catching onto my style?

Doc: I saw them at the hospital the other day, the one guy told me he had something called lymphoma.

LV: That’s a horrible joke to make.

Doc: My apologies.

LV: No don’t apologise, I really enjoy the suffering of others.

Doc: Quite.

LV : Anyway! I must also confess to the treatment they give me at the Asylum of Magic. Doctor, they made me do the icing on cupcakes the other day. Without magic. USING MY HANDS. I swear, if I had hair on my nether regions, the inmates would have been coughing up Voldy pubes all of last week.

Doc: That’s nice.

LV: So I injected pus into them instead.

I threw up when I saw this

Doc: Moving on. What  else have you been doing?

LV: Well I wont lie, I have taken up gardening. I plant ravenous cacti  Venus fly traps, Devils Snare, and my own invention, miniature Whomping Willow. I call them Prodding Willow.

Doc: That name doesn't have the same effect.

LV: Shut up, shut up! Its mine, don take that away from me! You heartless Bastard. Oh I’m going to kill you and that Harry Potter!!!!

Doc: Obliviate!

*The Dark Lord is confused.*

Doc: So you were saying gardening has a good effect on you?

LV: Yes Doctor, planting little vicious flowers really makes me feel happy.

Doc: Maybe we can work some of your frustrations out through your gardening. Maybe we could even transfer you to the Inmates Herbology Programme.

My secret pleasure. let me plant my seed.

LV: Yes Doctor, thank you doctor, I’m sure that would suit me well. Maybe in the Gardens I may even find a new friend, a new Nagini. (sobs)

Doc: There there Dark Lord, there's no need to shed tears.

LV: Doctor I’ve been meaning to say, I think this will be our last session. I feel like I would like to dedicate all my time to gardening. It just works so well for me.

Doc: Oh shit.I knew this day would come! Imperius!

*Voldermort is under the control of the Doctor*

Doc: Dark Lord, this is what just happened-You and all your Death Eaters have just been defeated by a bunch of High Schoolers and their teachers. You yourself were turned into black butterflies by Harry Potter. You are the most hated man on Earth, and your pet and best friend Nagini was beheaded by an imbecile while still coiled on your shoulder. You are weak, no one loves you and you are horrible at gardening. You will go about your daily life remembering this discussion, but not that I said it to you. When I count to three you will awake from this curse: 1,2,3..

LV: BAAAAAAHHHHAHAHAHAH WAAAAAAAHHHAHAHAHA

Doc: Reception will give you your bill on the way out. Our time is up.

RB