Movie Mashup 3: Brick Tamland is Jack Torrance (The Shining)

Brick Tamland arrives at the Overlook Hotel to interview for the position of winter caretaker, with the aim of using the hotel's solitude to work on his newscasting performances. The hotel itself is built on the site of a Native American burial ground and becomes completely snowed in during the long winters. The manager interviewing him warns him that a previous caretaker developed cabin fever and killed his family and himself. Brick breathes a sigh of relief, he was not yet married.

The manager absolutely refuses to give him the job unless he has a family, as he says, it just wouldn’t make for a coherent story otherwise. After learning to read and write, Brick applies to Adopt a Russian Family NGO, PO Box 7, Nigeria, and a wife and son are delivered to him in a box at the hotel.  Brick is shocked to find that his wife looks uncannily like Shelly Duvall. Brick decides thy can postpone the consummation until later because she cries nonstop, and he can’t understand why because her she seems to only have like 4 lines in the whole film, uh, I mean, her  life.

What Brick doesn’t realise is that even if she spoke more, no one could ever understand why women cry.

I had to eat peaches, from a can.

He finds his new son, Danny, covered with goldust and tinsel in the box. It could be said the boy was "shining".

Goldust

Scatman Crothers who walks past at this exact moment  reveals to Danny that he has the shine, or  "ESPN" and will have terrifying premonitions about night time football scores. Coincidentally he is also telepathic and can detect the presence of ghosts by croaking incoherently and pretending to speak to his finger. Shelly Duvall has for years been trying to get rid of Danny due to this constant croaking and the spoiling of the ends of movies she watches with him, and decides Brick is the perfect idiot to frame for an accident that Danny could have.

The bear smelt my "MANSTRATION"

She hits Danny on the face with a fire poker ending his croaking for the moment and bloodies his nose. Shelly  informs Brick that Danny is accident prone and injures quite easily.

Scatman Crothers has a telepathic conversation with Danny. He puts on a tinfoil hat and tells him that he can also shine sometimes. Danny asks if there is anything to be afraid of in the hotel, particularly Room 237. Scatman Crothers says that Danny should stay out of that room because it was the scene of disgusting and amoral fondue parties.

Sickening

Scatman Crothers then goes on vacation to some sunny place, but spends most of his time indoors. A month passes while Brick’s newscasting practice hits a brick wall. Brick becomes increasingly frustrated, starts acting strangely and becomes prone to violent outbursts.

Lamp does not reciprocate my feels!

Danny's curiosity about Room 237 gets the better of him when he sees the room's door open. Shelly Duvall locks the door behind him and  runs to Brick and says that Danny is trapped in room 237 and cant get out. Brick runs off to see what he can do. Danny and Brick reappear a short while later  with Danny nursing a broken arm and Brick a milk moustache. He explains that they were attacked by a naked old woman with the saggiest breasts in history.

And the most lopsided in living mammary.

Shelly accuses Brick of abusing Danny but Brick responds that the nipple shaped marks on Danny's forehead prove his innocence. Brick wanders into the hotel's Gold Room where he meets a ghostly bartender named Lloyd. Lloyd serves him a banana milkshake on the rocks while Brick tells him that he thinks Shelly is trying to injure Danny and blame it on him.

its, fine, my mother used me as a vacuum cleaner and I turned out okay

Another ghost appears, Grady, who tells Brick that he must "correct" his wife and child.

Brick: Why what have they done wrong?

Grady: No you need to take CARE OF THEM..

Brick: I’m trying to, but this is my first time as a father and husband, and never before at the same time.

Grady: No I mean you need to put them to Sleep.

Brick: Its half past one, this sun’s out. You’re a strange man, man.

Grady Kill them, you retarded bastard, Kill them!

Brick: With love? Lamp might find out.

Grady NO, not with love, with a hatchet, a sledgehammer, a gun, anything, do you understand what I'm saying to you???!!!

Brick: Fantastic!

Grady: So we agree?

Brick: I have no idea what we’re talking about.

While on vacation, Scatman Crothers buys himself diamante earrings and has a “shine” that Danny has nearly finished a years supply of ice cream. He also shines that Danny starts calling out "redrum" frantically and goes into a trance. Clearly, Scatman deduces, the boy has binged himself silly on red rum and raisin ice cream. He grabs his coat and the nearest cat o' 9 tails and gets ready mentally to administer an ass whoopin'.

Scibidabababadoobebopadoo, ass whoopin'. I'm ready.

While searching for Brick and Danny, Shelly Duvall comes across an inebriated Brick and decides to end it all by killing him with a baseball bat which she swings wildly about a million times. She tells Brick that now that she has a green card, she will kill him and Danny and flee to the Freedom. She finally connects with his head on her million and first swing and sticks a trident in his brain for good measure.

Before I kill you, tell me how to hold a baseball bat so that I can kill you. 

Meanwhile Danny has in fact been writing "REDRUM" in ice-cream all over the hotel. Shelly corners him in a bathroom and is about to administer the final stab, when she hears Scatman Crothers call for Brick from  somewhere below them. She proceeds downstairs to investigate. Danny tips all the un-refrigerated ice cream after her which washes her down the stairs and breaks her back in several places.

Delicious death

Meanwhile Brick wakes up and pulls the trident out of his head. Having half a brain, the trident missed all the vital spots. He pdusts himself off  and dizzily walks towards the ice cream soaked lobby. Scatman Crothers, covered in red and bits of Shelly Duvall yells "What the fuck you got ice cream all over the Goddam place for??"

Brick who does not appreciate loud noises yells back "I haven’t even had any ice cream Scat-man!" He throws the trident at Scatman Crothers in anger. The trident hits him square in the chest, and the force knocks his diamante earrings off which hit the floor and shatter in a thousand shining crystals. He says "Scibabadoopboopoodobebaboop, I'm dead" and the shine leaves his eyes.

That escalated unnecessarily.

Brick, believing himself to be wanted for murder, and the destruction of jewellery, decides to return to Room 237 to meet his fate. He opens the door to find Danny, a group of astronauts from Apollo 11, a bunch of Navajo Indians and the naked floppy breasted grandma playing twister. Somehow the grandma has stepped on her own boob. Brick decides to join in. "Bingo!", he yells.

The film ends with Brick allowing himself to be absorbed into the foundation of the hotel, Brick upon brick.  Danny eventually left the hotel and, as an adult, starts his own car wash business. The motto: first the Washing, then the Wiping, then the Shining.

RB (Well,  how else would you have ended this Mashup?)

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