Curb your Exoticism

Things that pissed me off this weekend

Asshole1: Petrol Station

So I went to a petrol station and this blue citi golf from the 1800’s pulled up next to me and its “occupants” were smoking cigarettes next to a petrol pump. Naturally, I asked the attendant to tell the guy to put out his cigarette lest we re-enact that scene from petrol station explosion scene from Zoolander or even 28 Days Later.

The guy with the cigarette saw me mutter and point like a monkey in his direction...

Only Monkeys Point!!

...and asked me if I had a problem. So I said yes, and asked him to put out his cigarette. All other conversation around us stopped to listen to our exchange which went like this:

Idiot: You got a problem?

Me: Ya, put your cigarette out, you’re at a petrol station.

Idiot: what?

Me: I said put out you’re cigarette, you’re going to start a fire.

Idiot: sorry?

Me : Are you mad?

Idiot: what?

Me: Are you insane?

Idiot: Listen, you worry about whats happening in your own car.

Me: I am, you idiot, if you cause an explosion, we’re all gonna die.

Idiot: what?

Me: Just shut up with the “what”, oh my god!

In retrospect I should have said:

“A whalevagina says what”

At this point he drove off without filling any petrol, but he didn't put his cigarette out to show me a point.

 Asshole 2: My Pet Rabbit

I have a rabbit.

This is Ozymandias. He is the devil.

So Ozzy is teething and likes to bite everything made out of leather. He did two really horrible things this past week. Firstly he chewed up the armband of my really cool watch and secondly he burrowed into my sofa from underneath the base and got stuck inside, I had to flip the sofa over and entice him out by dangling pieces  of lettuce suggestively over the rabbit shaped hole he had made.

I bought him 3 teething rings, he ripped one to shreds on the first day. As I type this he's nibbling on my internet cable. Ozzy you little shit!

That rabbit sucks. In a cute way.

Asshole 3: Shopping store line jumper

While out shopping, this one genetic disaster just decides to squeeze in in front of me at the pay station. Now I wasn’t going to say anything, seeing as I had already corrected my asshole for the week, but there was this woman behind me who wouldn’t stop mumbling about how he jumped queue ahead of me.

The exchange went something like this:

Me: Hey, were you in line ahead of me?

Creeper Bastard: No I was in another line, and the lady said I should come to this counter.

Me: Well then you need to go to the back of the line and wait your turn.

Creeper Bastard: No but I was already waiting in a line, why should I have to wait in this line too?

Me: That’s your problem don’t you think? Maybe you shouldn't make your problem, everyone else's? 

Creeper Bastard: But it isn't my problem.

Me: Yes it is, you dolt, you’re the one cutting line!

At this point my boss from my law job walks past and he says “Bip, why you fighting?”- This actually happened. I felt like a naughty child caught peeing on a stray dog.

Eventually another counter salesperson comes up and asks me whether I wanted and to go to another counter to make my purchase. Now it might have got a little dramatic at this point because I stood my ground and said that I didn't feel  that I should have to move to another counter, the idiot should move.
Of course, it was the principle of the thing.

But then the woman who had been egging me on ran to the other counter, made her purchase of cigarettes and left. I hope she dies in a car crash.

Eventually the manager comes up and I say: "Are you the manager?"

She goes "yes."

I’m like, "is it store policy for idiots to cut line whenever they feel like it?"

She’s like "no".

Then I’m like, "well then you need to sort this bullshit out. I’m going to buy shit in another store."

Then I walked out like at the end of Pulp Fiction, but way less cool.

Asshole 4: Me

I don’t give a shit. I’m right all the time, even when I’m wrong. What the problem is?

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

RB