Movie Mashup 2: Mrs Doubtfire is Sam Neill (Jurassic Park)

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John Hammond creates a prehistoric theme park populated by cloned dinosaurs. He approaches world famous palaeontologist and housekeeper, Mrs Euphegenia Doubtfire and good guy Jeff Goldblum to visit the park and make sure it is safe for potential customers.

 

"If one more person calls me Huge-vagina Doubtfire again there will be heads broken”

Upon arrival at the island, the group is stunned to see large groups of Brachiosaurus lumbering about. At the visitor center, the crew learns through an explanatory video that cloning was accomplished by extracting the DNA of dinosaurs from mosquitoes that had been preserved. However, the strands of DNA were incomplete, so DNA from frogs was used fill in the gaps.

That's how biology works 

The dinosaurs all were cloned genetically as females in order to prevent breeding. A fight breaks out when the group begins discussing the ethics of cloning dinosaurs during lunch and goes something like this:

John Hammond: Now its lunch, we appear to be having prehistoric seaweed on carrot cake, which we grew in a test tube this morning.

Jeff Goldblum blows a giant raspberry

John Hammond:  Now I want to hear every viewpoint, I really do.

Jeff Goldblum: Don't you see the danger, inherent in what you're doing here? Genetic power is the most awesome force the planet's ever seen, but you wield it like a woman with a brand new credit card.

Lawyer (wearing a t-shirt  with “marked for death” written on it): It's hardly appropriate to start hurling generalizations, I mean I can max a credit card quite easily too.

Jeff Goldblum: If I may... Um, I'll tell you the problem with the scientific power that you're using here. You. didn't earn the knowledge for yourselves, so you don't take any responsibility for it, and before you even knew what you had, you patented it, and packaged it, and slapped it on a plastic lunchbox.

Lawyer (change of t-shirt- a large bullseye is drawn on the front) : We’re eating the dinosaurs now? Everyone spit out what’s in your mouths.

John Hammond:  Shut Up. I don't think you're giving us our due credit. Our scientists have done things which nobody's ever done before. And they made a really funny explanatory video.

Jeff Goldblum: Yeah, yeah, but your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they didn't stop to think if they should have made that video.

John Hammond: If I was to create a flock of condors on this island, you wouldn't have anything to say.

Jeff Goldblum:  I hate birds, so you’re wrong.

John Hammond: I simply don't understand this Luddite attitude, especially from a scientist. I mean, how can we stand in the light of discovery, and not act? Did you stop when you were trying to build a teleportation device and were turned into half man, half fly?

Jeff Goldblum: I have no idea what youre talking about. Also no one can prove it. (scratches his arms)

Mrs Doubtfire: Well, the question is, dears, how can you know anything about an extinct ecosystem? And therefore, how could you ever assume that you can housekeep for it? I mean, you have plants in this building that are poisonous and may have Jurassic aphids. No industrial pesticide I’ve come across is going to sort that mess out.

John Hammond: Mrs Doubtfire,, if there's one person here who could appreciate what I'm trying to do its you.  You like me are old, and may I say that you look ravishing today. *wink

Mrs Doubtfire: The world has just changed so radically, and we're all running to catch up. I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but look... I don’t think I’m looking for a relationship right now. Oh you kid.

He wants to Sink the sub. Hide the weasel. Park the porpoise. A bit of the old Humpty Dumpty, Little Jack Horny, the Horizontal Mambo? The Bone Dancer, Rumpleforeskin, Baloney Bop, a bit of the old Cunning Linguistics?- straight from the film

John Hammond: I don't believe it. I don't believe it! You're meant to come down here and defend me against these characters, and possibly provide me comfort in my dotage, and the only one I've got on my side is the blood-sucking lawyer!

Lawyer (wearing a change of T-shirt with “The End is Nigh” written on it): I need the bathroom. (Runs off  under a ladder leaning against a wall and scares a black cat which darts across his path and  hits a mirror breaking it into 13 pieces exactly.)

Jeff Goldblum: I wonder if something bad will happen to him.

Later, the group is joined by Hammond's grandchildren, Lex and Tim for a tour of the park, because every suspense movie needs childrens lives to be at stake.  However, the tour does not go as planned, with most of the dinosaurs failing to appear, the highlight being that a Triceratops has explosive diarrhea. 
As a tropical storm approaches the island, most of the park employees depart on a boat for the mainland.

Jeff Goldblum: God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs.

Mrs Doubtfire: Dinosaurs eat man. Women take up knitting.

During the storm, Jurassic Park's computer programmer, Dennis Nedry who has secretly been paid by a corporate rival to steal dinosaur embryos, deactivates the park's security system to allow him access to the embryo storage room. The question is how did no one know about this? He's pretty hard to miss. Look at this guy-

I'm in stealth mode

Nedry also shuts down the parks security systems, and then escapes,  and even Samuel L Jackson cant get it up and running again."I've had it with this motherfucking hacker crap on this motherfucking main security system."

Uh uh uh! You didn't say the magic word! Uh uh uh! Uh uh uh!

Most of the park's electric fences are deactivated, leading the Tyrannosaurus to attack the tour group. Mrs Doubtfire, Lex, and Tim narrowly escape while the T. rex devours the Lawyer (now wearing a t-shirt “I still get paid if I die” on it) and injures Jeff Goldblum. 

mmm I will call you lunch

 Nedry escapes by rolling down the hill and reaching the ocean. He floats all the way back to the Mainland.

Alone in the park, Mrs Doubtfire, Tim, and Lex discover the broken shells of dinosaur eggs. Mrs Doubtfire concludes that this means the dinosaurs have been breeding, which occurred because they have the genetic coding of frog"s DNA (frogs which can change their gender), and which the dinosaurs were able to do as well.  Tim then catches Mrs Doubtfire urinating against a tree.

Tim: "OH MY GOD, Mrs Doubtfire, he's a she, shes a he, he’s a he she!"

Mrs Doubtfire explains it away by saying she was cloned using frog DNA. While this is going on,  Samuel L Jackson restores power to the Park but is eaten because he is a black man in a mainly Caucasian cast.

Mrs Doubtfire, Tim and Lex reach the visitor center, and Mrs Doubtfire leaves them there as she goes searching for the others. Proving fruitless, Mrs Doubtfire heads back to the visitor center, where the kids are being attacked by two velociraptors but manage to evade them for the time being.

Yo I'm a Raptor doin' what I can gonna eat everything 'til the appearance of man. Yo yo , see me, I'm living below the soil, I'll be back but I'm comin' as oil!

The three head to the control room and Lex restores full power by being a HACKER, which allows the group to call for rescue. While trying to leave, Mrs’ Doubfires group is chased by the  raptors  and have many close encounters with their claws and sharp teeth.

Maybe if I hide in this the dinosaurs cant get me

ooh you wicked wicked velociraptor!

pepper spray at the ready, serves them right, the bastards.

While cornered by the raptors, the T-rex arrives and attacks the raptors for no apparent reason. T-rex's are the coolest though.

I rule this bitch

Hammond arrives driving a jeep carrying Jeff Goldblum, and the entire group flees together. Before they board to leave the island, Hammond proposes marriage.  Mrs Doubtfire refuses saying that she has met someone else.

Washing up on the mainland Denis Nedry runs to the first hotdog stand he sees. Panting and out  of breath, he takes one huge bite of the cheese and sauce filled bun, inhales too quickly, chokes on his bite, and simultaneously has a heart attack, and dies.

HNNNNNNNGGGG!!!

The end.

Or will life find a way?

RB