Ali the Xenomorph and the Twerk Adventure

Say hello to my little friend

Ali woke up one morning and felt bored with his life. Stuck in a job he was not happy in, living in a city and not fitting in, he felt like staying in bed for the entire day. 

Just another crap day

He decided that he needed more… he needed to feel alive… he needed to dance.  He needed the rhythm to pulse in his veins, to flow in his body acid. He needed to Twerk with Somebody!!! He felt the beat in his body, he wanted to bring out the melody, he swanked out on the street, and he felt like Toby Maguire in a bad Spiderman film. 

"Laydeeees..."

He saw people living their lives, rushing about, pleasing no-one, least of all themselves. He walked up to the first attractive lady he saw and asked for a dance.

 

CANIDANCEWITCHUPLEEASE??!!!

Even though she had a gun aimed at his chest, she ran off screaming. Clearly he was a little rusty, he hadn’t asked a lady for a dance in quite a while and might have botched it. Perhaps he should try to tone it down, play it cool. He found another lady.

Hello...

"Excuse me my dear", he said, putting on needlessly posh English accent for some reason. "I was admiring your beauty and grace from across the street  and I was wondering whether you would care to share a dance with me, a Twerk on this most perfect day." Unfortunately she was actually Veronica Cartwright, who had witnessed Ali popping out of John Hurt's chest as a baby.

"You Bastard! How dare you? Stop talking to me!", she screamed and ran off.

Of course Ali didn’t remember her from his early childhood and was left utterly confused and saddened.

well he didn't exactly stop to take in names and faces before pissing off to hide.

He thought perhaps he was giving off too much of a creepy loner vibe? Ali called up two of his closest friends Alf and Axel to wingman him into the twerkpot. They had moves, they had sass, ultimately though they began to feel like three xenomorphs wiggling out in the street.

Y'all know who this is

However, Ali felt a presence watching them. He dropped down to do the splits and when he arose, he turned to find a Predator Hunter standing directly behind him. He always knew this day would come, he was going to be gutted like a xeno-fish. He readied the acid in his bladder as a pre-emptive strike measure. But the Predator did something strange, he began to shake his hips and flap his arms rhythmically. 

Hello, is it me you're looking for?

Ali wondered whether this was a new ritual before the kill. Strangely though, the Predator gave him the come hither eyes, and thrusted his body suggestively. Ali, hypnotized by the snake like movements began to move his head from side to side, the next thing he knew he was doing the same with his shoulders while snapping his fingers, and the next, he was going full on Jackie Chan in Rush Hour mode.

What is it good for, absolutely nothing!

 Gloria Estefan just happened to be walking past singing :

Come on, shake your body baby, do the conga
I know you can't control yourself any longa
Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronga
Don't you fight it 'til you tried it, do the conga beat

Everybody gather 'round now
Let your body feel the heat
Don't you worry if you can't dance
Let the music move your feet

She was the JLO of our times

By this time a huge crowd had surrounded them, urging them to do crazier and crazier dance moves. The next thing he knew he saw the Predator had worked himself up in a Latin frenzy and was twerking so hard that eventually his twerk fell off. An audible gasp escaped from some in the crowd, but more simply walked away. Ali however stood shocked. He had now witnessed the horrors of being twerkless.

I think his ass just exploded

He decided that perhaps fame  and recognition brought with it an expectation of excellence. He also suspected that once he stopped being good at the twerk, he would just be forgotten and alone, like the poor twerkless Predator. He decided these were issues he would have to consider seriously at some point, and he would return home so that he could twerk another day.  

But not before signing a few autographs and posing for a few photos.

He returned home to his son, who had not been mentioned before, but genuinely did exist, and, who was still in the human-host stage of development. He said: “Son, today I learned a valuable lesson: You see, it can’t be all twerk and no play, but sometimes you gotta do the dirty twerk.  Even though you may be able twerk your fingers to the bone, you should never twerk your arse off for anyone. You got that son?”

What's the matter with you, grow a giant dong on your head already.

His son just smiled, for he was a child and knew nothing.

RB

Gladi-h8r (Gladiator, 2000)

WE PRESENT...... GLADIATOR!!!! Also, my heart stopped. HNNNNNGGGG!!!!

Russel Crowe is… Maximus Decimus Meridius, aka the Spaniard, aka Gluteus to the Max, aka Swish Swipe Slash Motherfucker (down the Southside (of Rome)).

Yeahhh Boyeeee!

Russel Crowe helps the original Dumbledore, Richard Harris defeat the about 3 busloads of Germanic hordes by twirling his sword into every thing he could find on the battlefield. Also he cut a lot of people with his sword. Joaquin ("Wakeen" to anyone who’s wondering how to pronounce that) Phoenix who happens to be the original Dumbledore’s son (Should have called him Fawkes Phoenix, amirite?!!), shows up late to battle claiming his wrist-sundial  needed new batteries. Wakeen later proves his love for his father by smothering him to death with his bosoms. Apparently Wakeen was pissed that his father did not want him to be the next Emperor of Rome and Wakeem took this personally.

i will prove to you that I am a good son by killing you.

Upon hearing that Russel Crowe had the favour of Richard Harris, Wakeen orders his death James Bond Style- not physically being present at his death, but allowing it to be performed by woefully inept henchmen who belong to the Holy Order of the Easily Despatched. Russel Crowe uses the henchmen as dartboards and sword sharpeners and then races home to his wife and child before Wakeem’s men arrive to murder them by horse-crushings, snoo-snoo and hanging. However he is injured and cannot ride his horse and navigate his GPS at the same time without stopping to rest.

Ahhh my home, the land smells of fresh manure and the air, of methane.

He arrives home too late and drools uncontrollably on his wife’s feet. Why? Fetish perhaps.  Somehow he manages to dig two graves, get the bodies down and cover the graves before collapsing showing a slight inconsistency on his level of tiredness and injury in the previous scene.He is found in a heap the next morning by a wandering slave trader, Omid Djalili.

Hey Guys!!! Omid Djalili was in Gladiator!- useless trivia

Another slave, Djimon Hounsou, tends to his wound and smacks his hand away when he tries to pick off the maggots that now infest it. "No they will clean it", he says.

Don’t you have some Dettol or something? I'd rather lose the arm. Eaghuuuaagh! *Shivers uncontrollably*

Russel Crowe is bought for Rome Gold by Proxima and trained to be a gladiator. Initially he refuses to fight, being stricken by grief and all, but soon must fight when he is chained to Djimon Hounsou and attacked by large meaty men in leather. It was like a scene from Priscilla Queen of the Desert more than anything else, except with less terrifying imagery.  Russell Crowe Skillz that Killz the shit out of everything that needs to be killed.  He later kills more meaty men single handedly and he screams out his immortal line while a procession of backup dancers pop up out of the woodwork:

 

 Let meeeeee entertain you!!!- Robbie Williams. And the answer is no. 

Meanwhile Wakeen has a debate with the Roman Senate on matters affecting the people. He proposes to the Senate that he will hold all the citizens dying of the plague to his bosoms, as he is their father. He clearly has a fetish for death hugs.

This movie is all about fetishes.

The gladiators have their first battle in the Colloseum.  Proximo's team is put in a match with bad odds, Russel Crowe and his teammates are on foot, armed with spears and shields, against force of mounted fighters and archers on chariots. Russel Crowe leads his group to victory in a dazzling display of leadership that required minimal shouting, minimal near nakedness and minimal slow motion sequences. Heard that Zac Snyder?

You may think this film is good, but you would be wrong

Wakeen comes down personally to congratulate Russel Crowe on his victory, whereupon he reveals himself to Wakeem thusly:

"My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to the TRUE emperor, Marcus Aurelius.

Father to a murdered son,

Husband to a murdered wife

Planter of an eroded rice paddy

And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next."

 

 When you stepped on and eroded my land, you really put your foot in it.

Fuck. Never mess with the land

Wakeen tries to have Russel Crowe killed by paying Shao Khan, a former undefeated gladiator, to come back and fight Russel Crowe.

 

They told me to "Finish him"

During the match, Colosseum staff approach Russel Crowe from behind, holding tigers by the leash, in order to put Russel Crowe at a disadvantage. 

I will stab a tiger if I have to I don't give a shit

Against all expectations, Russel Crowe still wins, but he spares Shao Khan’s  life and is declared by the crowd as "Maximus the Merciful", angering Wakeen.

If you spare my life I will reward you by putting on a shirt. And a bra.

Meanwhile Senate leaders and Wakeen's sister hatch a plan to oust Wakeen for being such a putrescent worm. Wakeen, however, suspects a plot against him, and forces his sister to confess it by threatening to kill her son, a snow owl. 

He grew up to be owned by Harry Potter.

Praetorians close in upon the gladiator quarters while Russel Crowe escapes. The guards kill most of the remaining gladiators except Djimon Hounsou for some reason. Russel Crowe is captured a short while later, because, while being a good gladiator he is not a good stealthiator.

The only stealth I know is loud stealth!

Wakeen, desperate to get Russel Crowe out of the way and to restore his own glory, arranges to duel him. Before the fight begins he stabs Russel Crowe in the chest which makes him severely weakened. 

I've also stashed some medical marijuana in your pants, so I will get you for something eventually.

During the fight, Russel Crowe still manages to dodge Wakeen’s blows and disarm him. He loses his sword and the guards surrounding the battle refuse to give him another one. He produces a hidden dagger-ette, but Russel Crowe, recently becoming fluent in the ways of shivs to the back, turns the blade back into Wakeen’s throat, killing him.

...and he aeroplane goes into the throat.

Russel Crowe succumbs to the stab wound and dies, (Yay, it’s a double K-O) asking with his last words that the Roman Republic be restored and that the slaves be freed.

 

He also asked for a couscous salad but he didn't have time to eat it.

As he dies, he has a vision of walking through a field of grain toward his mannish wife and sickly looking son.

Ewww

Some time later, Djimon Hounsou revists the Colosseum at night, and he buries Russel Crowes' two small figurines of his wife and son (that I hadn't mentioned before) at the spot where he died. He says “I’m really lucky Oliver Reed passed away, so I could have the final lines in this film”.

I'll also never forget the day you let me use you as a shield.

Two Veg.:

Antonio Banderas was considered for the role of Maximus. It would have gone something like this:

Antonio Bannnnnnnderas.

"Are jooo not enterrrtained?

I am Maximoos Decimoos Meridiooos

Father to a merderd sorn,

Hoosband to a merederd sexy sexy wyaf

And I weeel haf my venshanz, in theees life orr the nex.

Jeeehssss"

END

 RB

Movie Mashup 4: Wolverine and Batman in The Prestige

Michael Caine performs a trick for a young girl - 

"Its not a trick, its an ILLUSION! Tricks are something whores do for money!"- straight from Arrested Development.

Michael Caine says :

Every great magic trick consists of three parts or acts. The first part is called "The Pledge". The magician shows you something ordinary: a blow up doll, a newt or lobster thermidore. He shows you this object. Perhaps he asks you to inspect it to see if it is indeed real, unaltered, normal, well cooked. But of course... it probably isn't. And we have no wine.

This lobster was fished out of Jayne Mansfield's bum. Look it up.

The second act is called "The Turn". The magician takes the ordinary something and makes it do something extraordinary. Now you're looking for the secret... but you won't find it, because of course you're not really looking. You don't really want to know. You want to be fooled. But you wouldn't clap yet. No one claps when you don't have wine.

Because making something disappear isn't enough; you have to bring it back. That's why every magic trick has a third act, the hardest part, the part we call "The Prestige".

The movie hasn't even started and already we've heard a lifetime's worth of Cockney.

Our movie begins when Illusionist Batman is sentenced to death for the murder of rival Wolverine by drowning him in a water tank during one of Wolverines’ performances.

Are you watching closely?

Flashing back to the past, the pair were working acquaintances building their magical repertoires. One night, they observe an elderly Asian magician who is able to make a large fishbowl appear seemingly from nothing from under his dress robes. Batman realizes that the man's supposed frailty is part of the act and comments that true magic requires commitment and sacrifice.

He hides it in his rectum and expels it when required! Brilliant! That’s why he walks like that! I truly am the world’s greatest detective! Also, Check out my music!

Wolverine’s wife drowns during a performance of a water escape ILLUSION  and for which Wolverine blames Batman  who professes not to remember if he had tied her with a standard knot or using Bat-glue.  Batman acquires the silent but deadly Bernard Fallon as his ingénieur while Wolverine appropriates Michael Caine  (played by Alfred Pennyworth)  and assisted by the lovely Black Widow.

Best magic ever.

Batman meets and marries Sarah and they have a daughter inspiring Wolverine’s jealousy and anger. The two begin a schoolyard tit for tat vendetta. Wolverine sabotages Batman’s bullet catch ILLUSION, costing Batman two bat-fingers after a wild claw swipe. Batman then ruins Wolverine’s Bird Cage ILLUSION, crushing a fat audience member’s sausage like fingers, killing the bird, and damaging Wolverine’s reputation.

But at least I'm still a fabulous showman!

Batman soon begins performing an impressive ILLUSION called The Transported Man, where he enters one cabinet and exits another across the stage a second later. Michael Caine insists that Batman is using a double, an answer which Wolverine refuses to accept. Nevertheless, Wolverine begins performing The New Transported Man using a double but becomes increasingly frustrated at having to end up below the stage while his double receives the adoration of the crowd.

It was also murder having to find another set of yellow spandex

Wolverine is still not satisfied, and sends Black Widow to discover Batman’s secret, but she betrays him. Batman once again sabotages Wolverine on stage, causing him to break his leg, and not in the good way. It healed in 5 seconds but he played the broken leg angle for crowd sympathy.

Its not all bad though because my wang is about this big.

Black Widow delivers an encrypted diary to Wolverine which supposedly contains the secret to Batman’s trick illusion. Wolverine  and Michael Caine kidnap Fallon to force Batman to give them the key to the diary. Upon learning that the key is "Tesla", Wolverine travels to meet with Nikola Tesla, who is played David Holy Goddam Bowie, and enlists the inventor to make a machine which will allow him to truly perform the trick illusion.

"Nothing is impossible, Wolverine. What you want is simply expensive. I  will put on lipstick if you wish.

Bowie creates a machine for Wolverine that creates and teleports to another location whatever is placed inside it. Wolverine returns to London, ELECTRIFYING audiences with The Real Transported Man, vanishing within the machine and reappearing at the back of the hall like some kind of Superhero.

Meanwhile, Sarah, being a woman, is never happy with Batman and eventually hangs herself.  Batman, apparently not interested in the death of his wife, obsesses about how Wolverine is performing the Real Transported Man and sneaks backstage during a performance to discover Wolverine drowning in the locked water tank which leads to him being found guilty for MURDER, because LAW said so.

We're all tired of your Bullshit, Batman.

Following Batman’s execution, Michael Caine learns that Wolverine is somehow alive and has taken in Batman’s daughter into his care and bought all his ILLUSION materials. One evening, after Michael Caine leaves the theater where Wolverine is practicing,  Batman drops down onto Wolverine, accidentally slicing his head off with a loose batarang. Batman, intending to conceal the act, starts a fire.

I accidentally his head

Batman tells the dying Wolverine that there were two Batmen, or that it appeared so, as his good friend Tommy Elliot, also known as Hush, rearranged his body to be identical to the real Batman and they shared their lives on stage and off. Hush removed the ends of his own fingers to duplicate Batman’s injury and the two shared lovers to maintain the illusion of being a single bat. The only way to tell the difference was that  Hush was vegan and loved imitating bumblebees.

Can you guess which was which?  asked the Riddler.

Wolverine, dying, reveals the key to his ILLUSION. He prompts Batman to open up the machine where he finds a severely emaciated Nightcrawler powering the device. Batman  carries Nightcrawler out, but before he can return, the building is consumed by the fire leaving nothing but ash. At the end of the film, Michael Caine repeats the trick of vanishing the bird for the delight of the little girl. This time, Batman appears to reclaim his daughter and Michael Caine vows to be his butler and servant in the house that Wolverine built.

Cuppa' tea guvnah? You shit'ead

Epilogue by Bane and Bat (To be read in Bane’s and Bat's voices for full effect)

Hello! My name is Bane.

Bane: "Yes Batman. I will now relate a theory floating around on the inter webs. Batman, are you listening Batman?"

Batman: Grrr "Ya"

Bane : "You yourself had your own Pledge, Turn and Prestige. You pledged to the good people of Gotham City to protect them from the horrors it harbors in Batman Begins. In The Dark Knight, you then foiled the plot of the Joker so hard, that Heath Ledger didn't survive it in real life. You then took the blame for the atrocities committed, your disappearing act, your Turn. I then broke your back but somehow you still managed to return and defeat me in Rises- the Prestige."

Batman : (Growling) "Your voice is silly."

Bane: "Yes Batman, I know it is, it is a satirical comment on how silly your voice is."

Batman: "Grrrr, how about I remove that mask for you, bald guy with accent of no fixed abode?"

Bane : "That would be extremely painful…

Batman: "You bet."

Bane:…..for youuuuuuuuu."

Batman: "Oh no he didn't."

END

RB