CONTRA: GUIDE MAH CARRREEEEAH

Contra for the NES may be the greatest game ever made. Its simplicity, kickass soundtrack and effects (every explosion should sound like "booshwaar, booshwaar") and pew pew guns made it replayable and satisfying each time. And if you wanted to complete it using only the 3 men given to you, it could be balls-out killer difficult also.

Contra is from 1988, so that makes it as old as I am. It has been said that the two main characters, Lance and Bill, seem to be modeled on Sylverster Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger, as they appear n two of their most popular roles. Looking at all the levels of Contra, however, there are a lot of similarities between the game and the movies that those two  have been in. Did Contra in 1988 predict the filmography of Sly and Arnie like some 8-bit Nostradamus?

Dutch and Rambo should have been in a movie together. It should have been Contra.

Level 1 starts in the Jungle and it has bridges blowing up, assorted minions and water adventures. Loosely the settings for Predator and  First Blood.

We must keel thees building nyaooow.

Level 2 and 4 always reminded me of Running Man in that they consist of series of corridors which when you destroy the "energy sources" at the centre opened up to the next corridor. They were guarded by rolling explosives and green minions, with the occasional red minion who gave you bullet upgrades when shot.

I'm a ghostbuster, lol

Running Man was about a fictional game show in which convicted criminals competed and fought for their lives. Stalkers were sent after Runners and Stalkers carried a variety of themed weapons. There were flamethrowers and chainsaws, and Arnie used a few of these to defeat Stalkers. A few fights, particularly the ones with Subzero and the final fight took place in an arena  which looked similar to Levels 2 and 4 of Contra.


The Level 2 Boss was some kind of protruding eye creature that shot power circles at you. Reminds me of a  movie I watched once, right Cohaagen?

I felt like this too when I saw the new Total Recall

The Level 4 boss resembles a police shield or badge , and I always wondered why Lance and Bill would want to destroy a symbol of the police, those who protect and serve.  Stallone was in Copland though, where he took down all those crooked cops!   

                                 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Level 3 is about rock climbing, 

John Lithgow circa 2013.

and co-op player killing fun. "I shall move the entire screen upwards and kill you MUAHAHAHA" said every 13 year old ever. Its a little like Stallone vehicle Cliffhanger, perhaps. Even the final boss looks like John Lithgow.

Gondor has raised the alarm.
Gotta go fast.

Avoid the Lazer, we don't need that zigzigzig power.

                          I think I have found this mountains' anus

Level 5 had snow and an endless supply of grenades that looked like double ended dildos.  Hey that guy on that machine looks like  the guys in the opening scene from True Lies.  The setting also looks like D-tox, but with less brutal death in the background.

                              Arnie: "Stahp  shooding at meee.  EUUUAAAGHHUUAAAGGGHHUU!"- Basically the whole film.

  

Level 6 is most remembered for having frikkin'  laser beams and  fire  death everywhere. Similar to Stallone film Daylight? It also had the fat shit , squat thrusting dude below as boss. Billy Elliot down there looks a  little like the abc warrior from Judge Dredd, or perhaps any stalker from Running Man.

I love to love, but my baby just loves to dance.

I couldn't find anything for level 7. Sorry.

Level 8 is probably actually ripped off from Alien, what with the spider beings, flying prawns, phalluses and mother heart getting her baby juice everywhere. But Observe :

Slap a BRAZZERS logo on this, its done.

  

Ahh right End of Days. Hi Satan.

8 Bit Nostradamus how do you do it? 

Of course Contra for the NES predicted The Expendables 3 twenty five years ago.

RIP Hiroshi Yamauchi

RB