Maniac Depression 2: Pinhead

Enter the offices of the Doctor, therapist to the supernatural, the murderous, and the mildly pissed off.

For Maniac Depression is touching their souls.

His depression is legendary, even in hell.

Doc: Hi Elliot. You look sharp. How are you today.

P: Don’t call me that. What is one day’s feelings, when I have the whole of eternity to torment through?

Doc: You might have eternity, but I have other patients today. Let’s begin.

P: Sorry. It’s the Female. I never thought there could be anything, but the other day she showed up wearing a dead goat on her head and it was love at first smell.

At first I was like...

But then I was like 

P: But she won’t return my notes. I mutilated 3 pregnant teenagers this morning as an offering to her and she didn’t so much as flap her neck wound. Also Chatterer and the other Ceno’s keep making things really awkward all the time.

Doc: How so?

P: Only yesterday Chatterer stuck a note on the back of my head with a crude drawing of the Female, and underneath was the caption: Female, Pinhead wants to nail you. I threw a battle axe at him.

Doc: Boys will be boys.

with an added hint of murder

P: I am their leader! I demand obedience. Every time I walk past them Butterball wolf whistles and smacks my bottom and Chatterer just clicks his teeth in a perverse way. The drool, it’s horrible. I should flay them all for eternity for this.

Doc: Well why don’t you, its not like you could kill them? Flay away.

P: Oh, I have more important people to flay Doc. We're running on serious backlogs, even with our Cenobite Assistants working 48 hours in a single day. And someone has to do the admin.

Doc: You know, the more you chase a woman, the more she will run away from you. Have you tried being cold toward her? Aloof even?

P: Cold is the only way I know how to be.

Doc: Colder then, abusive maybe.

P: I lashed at her face and then threw salt at her a few days ago, is that the sort of thing?

Doc Yes, what was her reaction?

P: She smiled and said I should stop fooling around and I should mangle a minor or something. Just brushed it off basically.

a real catch.

Doc: Well, wouldn't we all like to have fun like that.

P: I'm planning to ask her out again. That one time I took her to the 5^th circle of hell. There was just so much moaning, it really wasn’t romantic enough. The entertainment for the night was Dante, he kept reciting poetry the whole night. It was pretty shocking.  I didn’t even get a kiss out of it. My pins kept stabbing her in the eye. Turn off I suppose.

Doc. Maybe do something that involves minimal physical contact with you?

P: I took her to a night service for the Leviathan, I thought it would bring us closer spiritually. How wrong I was, I didn’t know she was a Mormon. We all wear black, it’s an easy mistake to make.

Doc: The beard shes got on these day might have given it away.

P: I don’t know anything about Mormons, or their God, Morm. She must have felt so embarrassed when I kept pushing her up to drip goats blood over the altar.

Doc: Maybe you should take these happenings as a sign that things aren't going to work out right now. Whatever happened to that nice girl Kirsty you spoke about a few sessions ago?

P: The Human? I don't know. I cant really initiate a date until she opens the puzzle box. And then she'll just think I came to tear her apart with hooked chains. Oh Doc I'm so frustrated.

Doc: Have you been taking your medication? Do I need to increase the dosage?

P: Yes, and also the painkillers. The taste of that aspirin is suffering like I have never felt before.

Doc: okay good, I suppose. I feel in the meantime you need to focus on Kirsty as a distraction, and who knows, maybe she'll say yes, and if not, maybe it will make the Female jealous. Or they both may be interested, and we can stop calling you Pinhead and start calling you PinCushion.

P: What.

Doc: You know, coz all the wimminz are stuck on you. 

P: I should kill you for that joke.

Doc:Our time is up.

Movie Mashup 1 : Ali G is Django Unchained

Texas, in the year 1858, several male slaves are being driven by the Speck Brothers, Ace and Dicky. Among the shackled slaves is Ali Django, who was sold off and separated from his julie, Broomhilda. They encounter Dr King Schultz, who quickly kills the Speck Brothers and frees Ali Django because he claims: "There could possibly be a movie made about him".

Chains were once his friends.

Ali Django partners with Schultz through the winter and becomes his apprentice and they go about collecting bounties on many many white people. Ali Django is amazed at Dr King Schultz' intelligence and tenacity. Ali Django warms Dr King Schultz' heart by telling him the story of his julie, Broomhilda von Shaft, and Dr King Schultz feels they must rescue her because he is German, and she has a German sounding name. Dr King Schultz also reveals that his full name is Dr King Professor Mister Schultz and he explains that his parents were English teachers who loved English job titles.

The two decide to free Broomhilda from Candieland, the home of the brutal and hot-headed Calvin Candie.

My hair's on fire

Ali is really happy, so he does a rap on the spot:

Me name be Ali D-g

Gonna trick Monsieur Calvin Candie,

Rescue me bitch from slavery

Gonna get me back dat punani.

Upon arriving at the Candieland, staunchly loyal senior house slave, Stephen, becomes suspicious. He insults Ali Django the way Samuel Motherfucking Jackson would. "Enough is enough, I've had it with these motherfucking plot contrivances in this motherfucking film".

I will slap a bitch

Ali Django was dissed and that made him pissed, so he did another rap directed at Stephen.

Yo Stephen , you enjoying oppressing your people,

Live in the white house, but you not their equal.

Gonna shoot out your kneecap coz you is evil,

Ham it up Stephen, you wont be in the sequel.

At dinner that night, Stephen deduces that Ali-Django and Broomhilda knew each other previously. Stephen alerts Candie, who's jimmies are severely rustled and threatens the company at gunpoint. He also does a monologue on his brand of Eugenics in which he explains to the company why black men will always make good servants.

Eugenics: I has a skull

Ali Django is intrigued

After threatening to bash in Broomhilda's skull, Calvin successfully extorts $12000,00 from Dr King Schultz in exchange for her life.

Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. 

Stop... Hammer Time.

After the money is paid and the paperwork signed, Candie demands a formal handshake from Schultz to finalize the deal. Schultz, disgusted at an earlier display of a runaway slave being treated like a Scooby snack, shoots Calvin through the heart with a concealed weapon. Dr King Schultz dies at the hands of a henchman and Ali Django kills many of the remaining henchmen in an ensuing gun battle but surrenders once Broomhilda is taken hostage at gunpoint.

Westside is bestside

Ali miraculously escapes somehow using weed and car batteries and his homies whom he whatsapp'd for help. Returning to Candieland Ali Django releases Broomhilda from her cell. When Candie's mourners return from his funeral, Ali guns down Candie's remaining henchmen and Candie's sister.He then shoots Stephen in the knees, crippling him.

Not the Knees, ARRRRRRGHHHH

Ali ignites dynamite he has planted throughout the mansion and leaves Stephen to be killed. He and Broomhilda watch from a distance as the mansion explodes before riding off into the night with with his homies rapping together:

Check it. Dis be mah Julie Broomhilda,

Rescued from Candieland before them crackers killed ha

They all shot at me because I was black,

Niggaz wasn’t ready for da Ali D-g attack. 

Booyakasha.

Maniac Depression 1- Freddy Krueger

Enter the offices of the Doctor, therapist to the supernatural, the murderous, and the mildly pissed off.

For Maniac Depression is touching their souls.

Welcome to my nightmare.

Doc: So back again Frederick?

FK: Don’t call me that. But yeah, it’s gotten worse.

Doc: The Nightmares? How so? Tell me about them. 

FK: Well I don’t really feel like the nightmares  I create mean anything anymore. They used to be fun and exciting, that feel of fear dripping down the pant leg of my brain. Remember the time I smooshed up Johnny Depp and shot him out of his bed like a Johnny Geyser? A Jeyser? A Jaeger even.

Doc: Yes that one was really entertaining. Also I loved Pacific Rim.

FK: My point is that no one remembers that I thought that up! They only remember what it looked like! It was entertaining to them. It was more to me, it was art, it was beautiful, but all they saw was a mess of entrails they had to clean up. I want recognition!  Do you know how much planning and sodium bicarbonate went into  that Jeyser? It was ridiculous, and BLOODY expensive!  What about me? What about my finances? I should have got intellectual property rights!

Doc: Well this is the type of work you got into. Not many people have been given the chance to be supernatural serial killers. We must all suffer for our art. If it hits you hard in the pocket, like most people, you're just going to have to deal with it, don’t you think? Tighten the belt and so on.

FK: I dunno Doc,  maybe its me. I feel I'm just not creative enough anymore. There used to be times I would have hundreds of ideas to kill people, even if they didn't always work out as planned. I still can’t explain me changing into that motorcycle or that television set.

Now in 4D

Doc: I thought you were making relevant commentaries on  the excesses of humanity’s hedonistic lifestyle.

FK: I don’t know, I was mixing alcohol and morphine use back then. But still, people used to remember me for being edgy like that and darkly funny even sometimes. Now I’m just a pizza face with rippy claws.  

Doc: And why do think that is? We all have those days when we feel like takeout.

FK: I don’t know. Everyone these days are crazy about zombies. That’s all I hear. They say “Oooh did you see all those zombies just walk up and eat-murder those people”. “Eeew look at the brains all over the place oooo”.  And that Goddam Jason, he’s trying to sneak in and do the Zombie angle too. (Mincing) “Oooh look at me I’m undead and loving it. I like to kill couples boning thereby providing lessons in morality.”   Crap! Everyone knows he’s a bigger arsehead than Leslie Nielsen.

Doc: Maybe you should incorporate more zombies into your nightmares. You know – a new nightmare. Ride the wave while the crest is still, uh, cresty?

FK: You mean like that one time I pulled out that kids veins and tendons and played puppet master with him?

Doc. Not really, that one was pretty shit.

FK: How about that time I crawled out from inside that kids body? That was zombie like.

Huzzah!

Doc: No, too homoerotic. You gotta go with whats hot at the moment. Whats the classic? Boobs! And Zombies! What I’m saying is you want to go for something that feels like the special edition of Dead Island: Riptide, you know, the zombie chick with the big bloody bazongas.

Educational

FK: I don’t know Doc, I don’t just want to turn into a franchise like Piranha. I have standards. I don’t think we could afford David Hasselhoff anyway.

Doc: Lets face it, you tried being gritty, you tried the new burn victim look, they really didn't work. You need some 80’s cheese, and with that, some 80’s boobies. Cheese on boobies even. You get the picture.

FK : I have been thinking about this one idea. Okay so I’m at a pool …

Doc: This seems familiar.

Fk : ...and so I’ve got this one girl there and there’s no one else around, except for this water buffalo in a bee costume.

Doc: I told you stop using Madlibs for ideas.

FK: No, listen. And she goes up to the water buffalo because around its neck there’s a sign that reads: “Can I bee your fwend”? And so she starts petting the water buffalo’s face and then sees that its face is covered in these lesions which start bubbling and spurting ooze and then suddenly spewing out thousands of bees at her, and they dig into her skin on both her arms right up to her shoulders and the wings protrude from her skin and start fluttering excitedly. Some dig into her eyeballs and nose and neck and start flapping and eventually she’s lifted off the ground and into the night sky. And then I pop out and say “Bee seeing you! Give me a buzz when you get there!” And her head explodes for comic effect. And her headless body keeps going stopping occasionally at flower bushes for pollen. So, what do you think?

Doc: What did I just tell you about boobies?

FK: Oh and she was naked the whole time.

Therapy works.

Doc: Better. Although it seemed pretty contrived.

FK: I dunno, this is tooo hard for me!

Doc: Frederick, let me tell you a harsh truth. The world does not want complex murder anymore. They want quick and brutal and bloody. They want glass panes falling on children from heights, arrows through the necks of nuns, axes through faces of the previously disadvantaged. The world has changed. You cannot transform a teen into a cockroach anymore and trap her in a Roach Motel.  They want realistic death, death that could happen to them.

FK: Then I do not want to live in that world. I must change that somehow.

Doc: (Sigh) You fight a losing battle young Frederick. Nevertheless as your Doctor I will support you and guide you through whatever path you decide to take. What else have have you been thinking of?

FK: I was thinking to try to be relevant again, maybe I should do another rap?

 Doc: Our time is up.                       

CONTRA: GUIDE MAH CARRREEEEAH

Contra for the NES may be the greatest game ever made. Its simplicity, kickass soundtrack and effects (every explosion should sound like "booshwaar, booshwaar") and pew pew guns made it replayable and satisfying each time. And if you wanted to complete it using only the 3 men given to you, it could be balls-out killer difficult also.

Contra is from 1988, so that makes it as old as I am. It has been said that the two main characters, Lance and Bill, seem to be modeled on Sylverster Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger, as they appear n two of their most popular roles. Looking at all the levels of Contra, however, there are a lot of similarities between the game and the movies that those two  have been in. Did Contra in 1988 predict the filmography of Sly and Arnie like some 8-bit Nostradamus?

Dutch and Rambo should have been in a movie together. It should have been Contra.

Level 1 starts in the Jungle and it has bridges blowing up, assorted minions and water adventures. Loosely the settings for Predator and  First Blood.

We must keel thees building nyaooow.

Level 2 and 4 always reminded me of Running Man in that they consist of series of corridors which when you destroy the "energy sources" at the centre opened up to the next corridor. They were guarded by rolling explosives and green minions, with the occasional red minion who gave you bullet upgrades when shot.

I'm a ghostbuster, lol

Running Man was about a fictional game show in which convicted criminals competed and fought for their lives. Stalkers were sent after Runners and Stalkers carried a variety of themed weapons. There were flamethrowers and chainsaws, and Arnie used a few of these to defeat Stalkers. A few fights, particularly the ones with Subzero and the final fight took place in an arena  which looked similar to Levels 2 and 4 of Contra.


The Level 2 Boss was some kind of protruding eye creature that shot power circles at you. Reminds me of a  movie I watched once, right Cohaagen?

I felt like this too when I saw the new Total Recall

The Level 4 boss resembles a police shield or badge , and I always wondered why Lance and Bill would want to destroy a symbol of the police, those who protect and serve.  Stallone was in Copland though, where he took down all those crooked cops!   

                                 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Level 3 is about rock climbing, 

John Lithgow circa 2013.

and co-op player killing fun. "I shall move the entire screen upwards and kill you MUAHAHAHA" said every 13 year old ever. Its a little like Stallone vehicle Cliffhanger, perhaps. Even the final boss looks like John Lithgow.

Gondor has raised the alarm.
Gotta go fast.

Avoid the Lazer, we don't need that zigzigzig power.

                          I think I have found this mountains' anus

Level 5 had snow and an endless supply of grenades that looked like double ended dildos.  Hey that guy on that machine looks like  the guys in the opening scene from True Lies.  The setting also looks like D-tox, but with less brutal death in the background.

                              Arnie: "Stahp  shooding at meee.  EUUUAAAGHHUUAAAGGGHHUU!"- Basically the whole film.

  

Level 6 is most remembered for having frikkin'  laser beams and  fire  death everywhere. Similar to Stallone film Daylight? It also had the fat shit , squat thrusting dude below as boss. Billy Elliot down there looks a  little like the abc warrior from Judge Dredd, or perhaps any stalker from Running Man.

I love to love, but my baby just loves to dance.

I couldn't find anything for level 7. Sorry.

Level 8 is probably actually ripped off from Alien, what with the spider beings, flying prawns, phalluses and mother heart getting her baby juice everywhere. But Observe :

Slap a BRAZZERS logo on this, its done.

  

Ahh right End of Days. Hi Satan.

8 Bit Nostradamus how do you do it? 

Of course Contra for the NES predicted The Expendables 3 twenty five years ago.

RIP Hiroshi Yamauchi

RB

Not so Special This (The Specialist, 1994)

For this my first post, I decided to write about a Stallone collection DVD I recently bought- “THE Stallone Collection”. Now it came with Cobra, Demolition Man, and Assassins. Naturally, I chose to write about the worst of them (but not by much), The Specialist. They should have known the movie was in trouble when Mario van Peebles turned down the offer to direct.

“over the shoulder armdrag, that’s what you get for Catwoman, and this pile also.”

Stallone plays an ex- CIA hitman who now freelances by answering advertisements for hits on the “Internet”. Sharon Stone comes along apparently through her prodigious use of the “Internet” and wants to kill Eric Roberts for the murder of her parents when she was a child, and not just for the reason that he is Eric Roberts.

This Guy

Sharon Stone ends up taking on an assumed name (Adrian), having sex with everything and then faking her death. Later she would say she drew inspiration for the role from Tupac.

So Stallone ends up master-exploding the shit out of Eric Roberts, by sneaky teacup bomb methods he learnt from kitchens of the CIA.  If Sharon Stone was in that scene he could have been all like, “Yo Adrian, I did it”. The writers missed that.

Involved in all of this is an old bombing associate of Stallone’s, James Woods who has a few good lines, a few Wicker Man crazy spells and some Morpheus glasses.

James woods: (to old man wearing a colorful shirt] “Where are you going? Hey, use the stairs, this one's full. Get outta here! Get a new shirt.”

“What am I doing in this?”

Stallone and Stone (“Stonelone”) hump and grind their way to the conclusion of the film accompanied by the tones of the latin heat that was Gloria Estefan. The details do not matter.

Two veg:

Stallone’s cat was named "Timer". Presumably he was a countdown to CATastrophe.

RB