Maniac Depression 4 : The Count of Sesame Street

Enter the offices of the Doctor, therapist to the supernatural, the murderous, and the mildly pissed off.

For Maniac Depression is touching their souls.

The Count: No Doctor. I can assure you this is not going to be like session 1 or session 2 ah ah ah or session 3, session 4, session 5 , ah ah ah, session 6, 7 , 8  or 9 ah ah ah. No because this is session 10, ah ah ah.

Doctor: I will take that as a no. Count, you must try to stop counting so much in your spoken language, it indicates mild Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

And a fear of skeletons, I hate the skeletons and their bony bones!

Count: Are you sure Doctor?

Doctor: Yes (editor’s note- No. I do not have a medical degree. I have a law degree, and might add that if you are a young vampire, don’t use stories on the internet to diagnose any affliction you might have simply because of similar facts, and even if that last victim in the red light district was particularly dodge and looked severely emaciated. I accept no liability for any harm this story may cause to anyone, whether direct or consequential, and whether living, dead or undead.)

I love numbers though!

Count: Very well, I was taught to count numbers at Madam Oozing’s School for Young Vampires. I had a terrible anger problem you see. There would be 1 undead body lying on the ground, then 2 undead bodies then 3 undead bodies, ah ah ah…

Motherfucker!

Doctor: Stop counting, you were saying about the anger…

Count: Yes Doctor, sorry, counting was taught to me by Professor V.T. Impaler. He insisted as a class, we address him by his middle name: “The”. Anyway, he suggested that counting would help me let go of some of my anger, which I always thought was a bit rich coming from a sadist and madman.

Doctor: And now you’re afraid that if you stop counting that you will revert to being a killer.

Count: Yes Doctor, but I was always more than just a mere killer, even in my plasma days, I would rip out human hearts as a cheaper alternative to bubblegum.

Because Up Yours.

Doctor: We are then in the tricky situation of either turning you once again into a psychotic killer or leaving you to be a colossal bore at parties. Personally, I can’t decide which is worse.

Count: Well doctor, I work a lot with young children and on many occasions the counting has helped me avoid ripping them to pieces on national television. Imagine, one second, young Timmy and I building a house of Lego, and in the next me using Timmy’s intestines to make a nice garden fence complete with a shrubbery. I don’t think that would go down too well for our ratings. The Undead Insurance I have could not cover that.

I think everyone would be fine if I got rid of Elmo though

Doctor: Ah yes, who are you covered with again?

Count : UIG- The Undead Insurance Group. Head office in Brooklyn, NY and subsidiaries in Transylvania and the Vatican City.

Doctor: Have you perhaps tried counting in your mind? Not actually speaking the words that is.

The Count: I have doctor, 12 people were eviscerated on that day. 1 bloody corpse, 2 bloody corpses, ah ah ah, 3 bloody corpses, 4 bloody corpses, 5 bloody corpses ah ah ah. 6 bloody corpses ah ah ah , 7 bloody corpses, 8 bloody corpses, 9 bloody corpses, 10 bloody corpses ah ah ah. 11 bloody corpses, 12 bloody corpses, ah ah ah. It doesn’t help at all if I don’t count out loud.

Doctor:  Maybe if you only tried counting up to five rather than over 10, what would happen then? That way instead of being a bore, some people may see this as an eccentric tick that you have.

The Count: I could try that doctor.

Doctor : Let’s try that exercise right now.

The Count : Okay I see 1 bird outside, ah ah ah, 2 birds outside, 3 birds outside, ah ah ah, 4 birds, 5 birds ah ah ah ah.

Doctor: Feel any better?

Count (slaps the doctor open handed leaving a hand print on his face) I’m sorry doctor I couldn't help myself.

Like I couldn't help myself with your mom last night.

Doctor: No worries, at least it’s a start. We’ll continue next week. Reception has a pro forma invoice for the first nine sessions we had. Let me follow you out. *Follows the count to reception.

The Count (looks at his bill and begins shaking with rage).

Doctor: I notice you’re not counting. I will remind you that I have a clove of garlic in my pocket. And a crucifix tattoo on my left buttock. If you wish to see neither, I suggest you start counting now.

The Count: 1 method of torture, 2 method of torture, 3 method of torture…

The Doc: Our time is up. Get out.

RB